When I was younger I hated going to weddings...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down 'till the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
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