- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
- Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
- If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
- Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
- Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
- Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
- Practice making fax and modem noises.
- Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
- Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
- Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
- Staple pages in the middle of the page.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
- TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
- type only in lowercase.
- dont use any punctuation either
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now." - As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Sing along at the opera.
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
- Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Friday, August 10, 2007
How to tick people off
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3 comments:
I wrote this on facebook a while back I called it how to be a bastard. Let me know if it is any good. most of them were inside jokes at UB
1 stop recycling; I hate trees.
2 Poison squirrels, f-ing tree rats!
3 sneak into the womens bathroom at night and leave all the seats up.
4 leave open candy bars in bathroom stalls (think about it).
5 Ask people repeatedly if its hot enough for them
6 Call CIT and tell them what I think of iprint
7 lock-out the computers at bell during finals week
8 feed rice to pigeons (it makes there stomaches explode)
9 mow the natural regeneration areas
10 then salt them so nothing grows there ever again.
11 answer my cellphone in the quite study area in capen
12 leave old coffee cups in the book shelves
13 use the wheel chair button every time I exit a door.
14 make really loud sounds when I eat
15 put a dead tree rat in the mailroom at goodyear
16 tell that fat guy with the bad beard and bald head who works there what I think of him. Then ask him if he is still a virgin. When he says "no" I will tell him his hand/sheep doesnt count.
17 print one page, and throw a fit when I cant find it at the print sort area 5 minutes later.
18 Take dozens of sugar packs when i get a coffee. Only use 2 and throw the rest away.
19 Have loud fake cellphone conversations in public areas about disgusting medical problems.
20 Tell people that I am dying. And when they fell bad for me; mock them mercilessly saying "Ha ha you thought i was dying" "Hah ah you felt bad for me" "ewww does that mean your going to marry me? HaHA"
21 Push all the buttons on the NSC elevator.
22 Tell ppl that there doing germ warfare at Furnas hall 6th floor
23 Join every facebook group and make them fight, until there is only one.
24 watch dennis leary every night for help
25 sing the "I'm an ass-hole" song constantly
26 call the library and ask them to page ppl that dont exists.
27 sing Back Street Boys and britney Spears songs, loudly and off key.
28 attempt to air hump and butt thrust like britney does in the elevator.
29 give new students wrong directions. That end up allways taking them to Baker watewr chilled plant
30 tell new students that everything good is on south campus (HAHAAAHA)
31 pretend that i am a lost soul and get converted to 14 religions in a single day.
32 wear my leather jacket to peta rallies
33 recommend living on bailey ace in buffalo to new students
34 try to convince ppl to stay in buffalo
35 hurt a small animal at least once a day
36 walk slowly across main intersections.
37 bum stogs off ppl when I really have plenty on me.
38 recomend amy`s place in buffalo to ppl
39 use the New York Times for grease paper (have already done this it works well, but Time magazine does a bad job absorbing the grease)
40 smoke right in front of the entrance of a bank staring at ppl as they enter.
41 pretend to not speak english
42 demand that people consider me as races that I am not members of.
43 be that guy who always stands on the Bus making ppl feel uncomfortable
44 tell ppl that I hate that I will pray for them
45 fu#k that, tell them I hate them!!!!
46 walk in a minute late to all tests and be very loud.
47 write this article naked
48 type this line while looking at my naked body in the mirror
49 making you feel uncomfortable.
51. Show up to my friend aaron greenburg's girlfriend's house in a dress and try to convince her that me and him had a sordid relationship.
52. eat a pound of garlic and fried onions, get into the elevator, talk to ppl.
53. do the same thing but eat cabbage, beans, eggs etc.
54. convince the scientolgists on campus that I am L Ron Hubbard's illegitimate son
55. go to the schools women softball game, get really drunk, attempt to sing 'Where are you now George DiMaggio?".
56. Get into heated discussion with that women who is allays giving out those communists newspapers (thursday night in front of capen libary)
57. Steal the pedestrian gaurds around the printers in capen. Watch as anarchy breaks lose
58. Start a rumor that the dining dollars program got screwed up and that there is only enough money for the next 100 purchases. Creating the first "run on the vending machines" in history.
59. Create a play called the Pe(censored) monologous. Make it mandatory for freshmans to watch.
60. create a 4th matrix movie whereby neo wakes up and it was all a dream
61. mock star wars fans "My name is jar-jar binks and I was put in to sell merchandise to the youth demographic. I am actually a rip-off minstrel show characters." "do, how long did you wait in line, huh, huh, huh huh?!" "whats it like to wait like a million years for jar jar?"
62. Remind arrogant trek fans that voyager counts as a star trek series.
63. Ask star trek fans why the only black captian of the federation got a ship that doesnt move (deep space nine)? Was the benevolate(sarcasm) federation worried that if a black man was given a nice ship that he would get pulled over too many times?
64. Hand in a math assignment done entirely in roman numerals.
65. become a mail-slave at Goodyear Hall. You know those guys in that room in the basement, who allays have your packages but are never open. Becoming a mail slave wont guarantee that i become a bastard but everyone working there (especially that bald, fat guy, with the ugly beard) is a bastard.
66. drink Ipecac, ruin the pool
67. become that guy who ruined the good shower stall in macdonald hall 4th floor last year. You know who you are! You jerk, why cant you use the toliet like everyone else! What you dont relieze is that i did something much worse in there, so HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
68. Demand that my UB computer logan name changed too: "Conan the barbarian; lord of eternia!"
69.WRITE IN CAPS.
70. complain about the lack of transexual bathrooms on campus. to anyone who will listen. While I wear a dress, and with a five o'clock shadow.
71. start quoting pop-culture clichs at inappropiate times.
random guy: "excuse me can you please tell me where the office of admissions is?"
me: "you are the missing link; goodbye"
random guy: "excuse me?"
me: "english, do you speak english motherfuhker?!"
random guy: .....
me: (HOMER SIMPSON noise any will do).
72. sit down on a skate board, wrap the ends of my pants together, move myself about via my hands on the ground. Tell people that my feet got bitten off in the "war".
73. comment on peoples hair cuts.
74. go to the movies, buy a box of milkdudes,sit towards the back, put the milkdud in your mouth for a minute. When you remove it, the milkdude will be sticky. throw it at people; it will stick to there hair. Then roll a small bottle of soda under the seats. If you do it right it will roll all the way to the bottom. making a great deal of noise along the way.
75. Use instant message lingo in daily conversation. "that is so funny, L-O-L"
76. e-mil my TA using the class mailing list, title all messages "important information for class ____"
77. release my bowels in the capen library suggestion box. That will show that what I think about there services better then any letter.
78. At the schools football games plan an elebrate mutiny against the schools's mascot. Assume his position. Then lead the marching band and refuse to yield (bonus points to anyone who gets that reference).
79. give canadian citizenship applications out to liberals.
80. nuke the whales
81. nuke france
82. give south florida back to spain.
83. take 50 tampons, a bottle of ammonia, and red food coloring. mix water red food coloring and ammonia in a large bucket. Let tampons soak over night. Drain liquid out of the bucket. Drop tampons on someone you hate from a window. Preferable from Goodyear Hall on that guy who works in the mail room. HAHA. No seriously dont do that! its a perfectly good waste of tampons.
84. A better thing to do with tampons. take 50 tampons a wooden crate and your friend's pool. unwrap all of the tampons and put them in the small wooden crate. try to pack as many tampons as you can. If you put a heavy weight on the top it should make it possible to put more in. Nail the wooden crate shut. Drop the crate into your friends pool. Wait to see what happens. Either the water will be absorbed by the tampons causing them to expand, eventually blowing up the crate and launching tampons in the air. Or, the crate will sink to the bottom. The water gained by the tampons will cause a net equilibrium to be generated with the surrounding water. In this case leave the box there. if you bring it up it will explode without the water pressure keeping it together. Not really a bastard thing to do, but i think its cool.
85.Put a sign on a classroom at random telling ppl that the room is closed due to infestation and that the classes normally scheduled there will be held at the baker water chilled plant.
86. Refer to yourself in third person.
87. move to india/pakistan open a convenience store. Dont learn the native language.
88. Tell new students that mighty taco is where they invented the taco. (anchor bar reference)
89. go to the scientology center on campus and claim to be xenu
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xenu
90. get some oil, a drive way, a brush, and a camera, make a picture of richard M. Nixon on a driveway with the oil and the brush, take a picture, send it into national enquirer.
91. Wait to my girl is on her period then hang a banner across our living room that says "Happy Period" as a gift I will give her a pair of tight white shorts and a new tennis racket.
92. Inject Nair into several bottles of shampo and give them away on a street corner as free samples.
93. Replace my friend's fan belt with several condoms tied together.
94. Rent a very large collection of porn from the video store. Bring it back three days later while walking with a fake limp. Go on and on about how great of a weekend I had.
95. Wear short shorts, dont shave pubic hair.
96. llways leave a room by pointing your index finger at someone with your thumb pointing up. Then lower your thumb so it kinda looks like a gun and say "bang bang, your dead"
97. Walk into a pet store while carrying a shoe box. Ask the owner if they know anything about animals. When they say that they do. Tell that the shoe box contains something that your dog recently coughed up on the carpet and ask them to take a look. Extra points if you do this while the box appears to be dripping and your wearing surgical gloves.
98. dont finish this on a round number
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