Tips

• A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
• An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
• Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
• Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
• Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish-washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
• Always poop at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
• Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
• Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
• Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

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