How to speak about men and be politically correct

He does not have a BEER GUT. He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER. He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN. [Which, then, would have to convert to yet
another version? Suggestions?]

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME. He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING. He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER. He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING DOWN DRUNK. He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS. He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not a SEX MACHINE. He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG. He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT. He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES. He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.

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