The cat's out of the bag.... well, kinda sorta

Don't drink with your friends

Near death experience

Simply Scripts

Here’s the start of one from the television program 24:

JACK BAUER: [The following takes place between 10:00 a.m. and 11:00 a.m.]


{Kim Bauer is running down the street yelling out Megan}

KIM BAUER: MEGAN!!!!! MEGAN!!!

{She spots her across the street}

CUT TO PARAMEDIC TAKING CARE OF GARY

PARAMEDIC: Your going to be fine.

OFFICER: You are Gary Matheson?

GARY MATHESON: Yeah that's right. It's about time you guys got here.

OFFICER: We just got the call five minuets ago sir. Dispatch says your reporting a child abduction? Is that right?

GARY MATHESON: It's my daughter. She took my daughter.

OFFICER: You want to describe the suspect for me.

GARY MATHESON: I can do better than that. Her name is Kim Bauer. She works for my wife and me.

****FADE OUT****

Simply Scripts   Lots ansd lots of free movie and TV scripts here.

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White alligator awes zoo visitors

LITCHFIELD PARK - Carrie Beletz took a step forward as a 4½-foot white alligator approached her through mucky water. But this sixth-grader was not afraid.

Instead, Carrie, a student at Sahuaro Elementary School in Phoenix, pressed her face to the glass at Wildlife World Zoo to get a better look at a creature she had never seen before.

"That's cool," she said. "But I wouldn't want to feed it."

he rare white alligator is Arizona's first and is on display at the Wildlife World Zoo in Litchfield Park until May 1. Only a handful of white alligators exist in the world and are usually found throughout the Southeastern United States. White alligators are albino, meaning they lack normal pigmentation. Their lack of coloration prevents them from camouflaging themselves in the wild, often creating challenges for survival, said Wildlife World Zoo founder and director Mickey Ollson.

Read the article.

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A hole new fashion trend

No Parking - We mean it!

Dead man gets parking ticket

An elderly man has been found dead in the car park of a Melbourne shopping centre with a parking ticket attached to the windscreen of his car.

The man was found dead at the wheel of his car at Croydon in Melbourne's east.

The man is believed to have been dead for several days but a parking ticket was placed on his car two days before his body was discovered.

The Mayor of Maroondah City Council, Paul Denham, has apologised for the incident.

"It's just tragic," he said. "It must be just so sad for the family and we extend our sincere sympathies to them.

"The circumstances surrounding the location of this poor fellow must make it all the harder for the family.

"It is simply a case of the parking officer not noticing," he added.

The man's name has not been released and a report is being prepared for the coroner.

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I'm thirsty

Mashed taters

Charles and the Zombie

What’s wrong with First Lady Laura Bush? 
Did Price Charles give here an early holiday goose?

Here are more pictures from the Prince’s visit to the White House. 
Very strange.  very strange indeed.

How much alcohol have you consumed?

Have you ever wondered just quite how much you’ve managed to drink in your lifetime?  Or how much it might have cost you?

You have?  Well, you should probably get out more, but instead why not take our test to calculate the state of your kidneys, wallet and quantity of alcohol you have consumed over the years?

My results are at right.  In all honesty, I’ve probably consumed less than that.

Find out yours here.

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Sponge Barb Ginormous Pants

Final Score: Fence 1 - Snake 0

This snake apparently got his mouth caught on this fence.  Look at those teeth.

Sign posted in Vietnamese neighborhood

Let's give this gal a hand... Oops, too late

Battery powered battery charger

Oxymoronic redundancy.

Big job

New miracle drug - Panexa

Panexa by Merd Pharmaceutical Group

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Turned on

Las Vegas mayor wants to de-thumb graffiti artists on live TV

(AP) - Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman has suggested that those who deface freeways with graffiti should have their thumbs cut off on television.

Goodman, appearing Wednesday on the ``Nevada Newsmakers'' television show, said, ``In the old days in France, they had beheading of people who commit heinous crimes.

``You know, we have a beautiful highway landscaping redevelopment in our downtown. We have desert tortoises and beautiful paintings of flora and fauna. These punks come along and deface it.

``I'm saying maybe you put them on TV and cut off a thumb,'' the mayor added. ``That may be the right thing to do.''

Goodman also suggested that whippings or canings should be brought back for children who get into trouble.

``I also believe in a little bit of corporal punishment going back to the days of yore, where examples have to be shown,'' Goodman said.

``I'm dead serious,'' said Goodman, adding, ``Some of these (children) don't learn. You have got to teach them a lesson, and this is coming from a criminal defense lawyer.''

``They would get a trial first,'' he added.

Another panelist on the show, Howard Rosenberg, a state university system regent, responded by saying that cutting off the thumbs of taggers won't solve the problem and Goodman should ``use his head for something other than a hat rack.''

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Seal bites off woman's nose

From CNN.com

JOHANNESBURG, South Africa (Reuters) -- A seal bit off a South African woman's nose after she tried to help it back into the sea, an official said on Monday.

Elsie van Tonder, 49, is expected to undergo surgery this week after being bitten on a beach near George, about 400 kilometer (240 miles) east of Cape Town on Saturday.

Her nose was found but could not be reattached to her face, local media reported.

Read the story here.

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Yahoo Maps Beta

There is a Beta version of the new Yahoo Maps.  You can locate nearby places, like restaurants.  Above I’ve highlighted one of my favorite bar/restaurants, Holties, located in Barnhart MO.

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And you thought your job sucked

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Caught!

Arkansas man kills deer with his bare hands...in his bedroom

BENTONVILLE, Ark. (AP) - For 40 exhausting minutes, Wayne Goldsberry battled a buck with his bare hands in his daughter's bedroom.

Goldsberry finally subdued the five-point whitetail deer that crashed through a bedroom window at his daughter's home Friday. When it was over, blood splattered the walls and the deer lay dead on the bedroom floor, its neck broken.

Goldsberry was at his daughter's home when he heard glass breaking. He went back to check on the noise and found the deer.

"I was standing about like this peeking around the corner when the deer came out of the bedroom," said Goldsberry. The deer ran down the hall and into the master bedroom - "jumping back and forth across the bed."

Goldsberry entered the bedroom to confront the deer and, after a brief struggle, emerged to tell his wife to call police. After returning to the bedroom, the fight continued. Goldsberry finally was able to grip the animal and twist its neck, killing it.

Goldsberry, sore from the struggle, dragged the dead animal out of the house.

"He got kicked several times. He was walking bowlegged for a while," Deputy Doug Gay said.

At this time of year, a buck that sees its reflection in a window often charges, believing it is fighting off a rival, Gay said.

Goldsberry intended to have the deer processed for its meat.

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Marcel Marceau's greatest movie quotes

Every one of his quotes is listed in this entertaining, complete, unabridged catalog.

They’re all great.   Very memorable and very funny.  What a guy!  Definitely worth a look.

Marcel Marceau’s Greatest Movie Quotes

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Future vet perhaps.... or perverted kid? You make the call

Neat brick trick

Jack & Jackie O'Lantern

An entry in a jack-o-lantern carving contest.  One rule said that you had to appear in the photo with your entry.

Very clever entry.

 Here are the other contestants.

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Wino wisdom

 Some of these are really pretty funny.

• “The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The drunk says, 'Are you gonna drink that'?"
• “I tried drinking myself to death. Now I have to get my health back just so I’ll have the strength to jump in front of a bus.”
• “The damn wagon’s too crowded anyway.”
• “I used to drink to get drunk. Now I just get friend-shot-buying stupid.”
• “Did you just say that or did I?”
• “The drinking will continue until you show a dramatic improvement in attitude.”   Sandy T., 28, addressing her “uppity” liver at the Cockpit Lounge.
• “She spilled a beer on me. That’s foreplay.”
• “I used to live to work. Then I worked to live. Then I worked to drink. Now I must drink to work.”
• “We’ve had enough to drink. Now let’s have too much.”
• “There’s only two people in this town that I hate, and you’re both of them.”
• “Bar stools are like prostitutes. And if you think one belongs just to you, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartbreak.”
• “I was in Hollywood a long, long time. I was on the verge of making it too, but some cocksucker stole my shopping cart and I was back to square one.”
• “Things are a lot more like they used to be than they are now.”
• ”No wonder you were sick—look at all the puke you swallowed!”
• “Either I’ve fallen down or you guys have turned into giants.”
• “The jukebox is the drunkard’s fireplace.”
• “My wife never knew I drank until I made the mistake of coming home sober.”
• “I’m drinking to get a hangover so I’ll have something to do during my day off tomorrow.”
• “Behind every good man, there’s a bartender in front of him.”
• “Sure! What’s in it?”  Troy B.’s rather optimistic response to a bartender’s request of, “You wanna get the hell out of here?” at Club 404.
• “I was merely trying to appreciate the perspective of the snake.”   Unnamed patron at the Leisure Lounge, explaining why she was found laying under a pool table.
• “That’s so tasty I’d drink it right back down if it were to come back up.”
• “I once got so drunk I woke up in a tree. Which wasn’t so bad, except the tree was in a different state than I started in. I call that being ‘Cross-Country Tree-Climbin’ Drunk.’”
• Patron: “I’ll have an extra dry Tanqueray martini on the rocks with a twist and when I can’t say it any more, don’t bring me any more.”
  (5 drinks later)
  Patron: “I’ll have a Tanqully moonton wit wockers.”
  Bartender: “You can’t say it, so you can’t have one.”
  Patron: “Okay, I’ll have a scotch and soda.”
• “I love to drink and I love to sing. But most people like to hear me drink.”
• “Every morning I have to a make a decision—smokes or drinks. Cigs or forty ouncers. I tell you, alcohol is saving me from lung cancer.”
• "My daddy drank, grand-daddy drank, my goddamn great grand-daddy drank, and I'll be goddamned if I'm going to drop the ball now."

Here’s the cpmplete list.

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Busch Stadium demolition

Here is a picture taken on October 27, 2005.  Almost all the seats have been removed and are being shipped to their purchasers.  You can see groups of seats sitting on the field and outside the stadium ready to be packed.  In just a few weeks the old stadium will meet with the wrecking ball to make way for the new Busch Stadium growing into the area from the top of the picture.  It looks a lot smaller than the old stadium.

Thanks Phyllis

Once upon a time.......

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Atlanta sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man.

Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?" At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?

"I don't know," the black man replied. " Something about a job."

Thanks Phyllis

World's Shortest and Best Fairy Tale

 Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer whenever he wanted.

THE END

Thanks Ronnie

I think somebody ran out of road

Trick or treat

Half and half

Creatures from Photoshop Land.

    
Catwoman                                   Dogman                                    Birdog

Dogow

More from Human Sescent

Mothers against peeing standing up

MYTH: "Men can pee standing up"

Fact: The reality is men can NOT pee standing up without getting as much as a stray drop on the seat or the outside surface of the toilet. Fragmentation of the urine stream causes particles of urine to dissipate. The larger the distance urine has to travel, the bigger the dissipation radius gets.
     Some of you may say, "No, not me! I can pee through a donut from 40 feet above!" Well, mister hand-eye coordination, you are probably one of those people who also never ask for directions. Admitting that you have a problem is half the battle. At some point in your life you need to ask yourself, "Is it worth it? What has peeing standing up cost me in my life?"

Take a stand!…errr…. I mean – Take a SEAT

 

Utterly outrageous recipes

• Choco Dogs
• Mustard Crunchies
• Sunflower Worcestershire Delight
• Chedder Coffee
• Banana Worm Bread
• Chocolate Gravy & Biscuits
• Mamow and Papow's Treet Meat
• Bloody Leroy Mix
• Cricket Cookies
• Grasshopper Gumbo
• Spam Shake

For these recipes and more click here.

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Iraq coalition fatalities

Interesting animated graphic depicting the Iraq coalition fatalities.

Iraq Coalition Dead

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How to kill a VCR

What we did
 We destroyed my old video recorder, by putting food and detergent into it, letting kids use it as a skateboard, smashing it with hammers, dipping it into a lake, attacking it with an axe and a crowbar, running over it with a car, and finally blowing it up.

Why
Because over the years, that VCR has been unreliable almost from when I bought it new. It had problems causing interference to TV signals, it chewed tapes, it scratched tapes, it got tapes stuck in it, and it broke down. And no matter how often it got serviced for these things, it did them again.

Eventually, I replaced it, but I decided that it wouldn't go to Cash Converters or be given away - I have no wish for someone else to be annoyed by it. And it wouldn't go in the bin. I would have my own back for years of frustration. I would have revenge. I would destroy it.

See it here.

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Apparently I'm a centrist

I always wondered what I was.  I never knew if I was a liberal or conservative.

 

CENTRISTS espouse a "middle ground" regarding government control of the economy and personal behavior. Depending on the issue, they sometimes favor government intervention and sometimes support individual freedom of choice.

Centrists pride themselves on keeping an open mind, tend to oppose "political extremes," and emphasize what they describe as "practical" solutions to problems.

The RED DOT on the Chart shows where I fit on the political map.

Your PERSONAL issues Score is 70%.
Your ECONOMIC issues Score is 40%.

 

What are you?   Find out here.

 

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