Don’t have to tell me twice.
Wouldn’t that ruin a lot of blouses?
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Autistic Teen's Hoop Dreams Come True
A really great story from CBS News. Also a great video of this kid’s Hoop Dream coming true. Worth watching.
It was the stuff of Hollywood, but it was real.
Senior Jason McElwain had been the manager of the varsity basketball team of Greece Athena High School in Rochester, N.Y.
McElwain, who's autistic, was added to the roster by coach Jim Johnson so he could be given a jersey and get to sit on the bench in the team's last game of the year.
Johnson hoped the situation would even enable him to get McElwain onto the floor a little playing time.
He got the chance, with Greece Athena up by double-digits with four minutes go to.
And, in his first action of the year, McElwain missed his first two shots, but then sank six three-pointers and another shot (video), for a total of 20 points in three minutes.
I heard it through the church bulletin
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:"Searching for Jesus."- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The 2006 Teacher Award
The New Jersey Studies Academic Alliance was founded to encourage the teaching of New Jersey studies and to help teachers to more efficiently and thoroughly present the study of the state to their students. In the spring of 1999 the Alliance first initiated awards to recognize innovation and creativity in teaching New Jersey studies on the elementary, middle, secondary, and college level. Nominations are now being opened for recipients of the Seventh Annual Teaching Awards in New Jersey Studies.
Submit your nominations to this guy.
To: God... From: the Dog
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beeper s, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: I will try to do better so I can go to heaven. I promise...
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer' s hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally, My last question . . .
Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?
P.S. When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
Thanks Phyllis
I was just getting comfortable with English
European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Thanks Phyllis
Monday, February 27, 2006
Inquiring fingers want to know
Playboy... in Braille
Most likely you are surprised that such a thing exists. You are not alone.
When I discovered Playboy in Braille years ago, it was in a box in an abandoned building. I found myself in a state of disbelief. The kind you feel when you're being chased by a leprechaun with a crossbow.
It's normal to not want Playboy in Braille to exist. Because it's weird. It raises too many questions. Questions like: Why is the government printing Playboy in Braille? And: How do you explain a naked woman to a pubescent, visually impaired teen?
"Elka leans against a wall, wearing only a carpenter's tool belt. She's hot. Believe me."
"Katsumi arches unnaturally over a coffee table. You can see the whole thing."
"Anja's Mediterranean skin is a warm brown, like the craft paper Playboy you're reading with 
your finger."
Playboy in Braille makes you think. It's exciting but uncomfortable at the same time. Like Courtney Love fixing your stove.
Run your fingers over the pages, never really knowing if you're touching a gorgeous blonde or an essay by Tom Clancy. Was that Cindy Crawford's bum, or an interview with Gore Vidal? Frankly, it's whatever you want it to be.
Helping hand from the post office
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened, it read:
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.
Sincerely,
Edna
Olympic streaker was a chicken
Well, … he had a chicken… a strategically placed rubber chicken.
Pinerolo Palaghiaccio, about an hour outside of Torino, was rocking for today's bronze medal match between the U.S. and Great Britian. Even IOC President Jacques Rogge was in the packed house.
Any doubt that curling has arrived was removed when the event was interrupted by a streaker.
During the fifth end break (curling's version of halftime and/or a seventh inning stretch), a large and not-too-muscular guy ran out across the sheet. Nothing on except for the obligatory online gambling ad and a strategically-wrapped rubber chicken.
USA skip Pete Fenson had a chuckle, and so did Rogge. Less amused was chief referee Keith Wendorf, who tackled the offender.
An umpire mercifully covered him with a coat and he was led out of the arena by the Italian polizia.
Cutting corners
My wife left me... I don't understand. After our last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses. I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up, but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup.
I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back.
Thanks Phyllis
Missouri girls
Three men were sitting together, bragging about how they had been giving their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Indiana, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Utah. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Missouri girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything. The second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper. Gotta love those Missouri girls!
Thanks Mary
Sunday, February 26, 2006
New Busch Stadium taking shape
The first game in the new stadium, an exhibition game between the Memphis Redbirds and the Springfield Cardinals, will take place on April 4th - just 32 days from today. The game sold out in 20 minutes. The Cardinals season opener here will be April 10th. All the seats won’t be completed by opening day, but should be complete by mid year.
The northwest corner of the stadium, taken from the roof of the Westin Hotel.
As seen from the roof of the east garage. The area to the right in the picture will be what’s called Baseball Village, a mixture of shops, restaurants, condos, and the new broadcast studios of the Cardinal owned KTRS radio.
This photo taken in early February looks north from the right field upper deck.
More Busch Stadium Pictures at the Cardinals website.
What a way to go
More on living out your final years on a cruise ship. Sounds kind of interesting to me.
Pictures of Uranus
Who knew it was blue? Not I.
Uranus is the seventh planet from the Sun and the third largest (by diameter). Uranus is larger in diameter but smaller in mass than Neptune.
Like the other gas planets, Uranus has bands of clouds that blow around rapidly. But they are extremely faint, visible only with radical image enhancement of the Voyager 2 pictures (right). Recent observations with HST (left) show larger and more pronounced streaks. Further HST observations show even more activity. Uranus is no longer the bland boring planet that Voyager saw! It now seems clear that the differences are due to seasonal effects since the Sun is now at a lower Uranian latitude which may cause more pronounced day/night weather effects. By 2007 the Sun will be directly over Uranus's equator.
Uranus' blue color is the result of absorption of red light by methane in the upper atmosphere. There may be colored bands like Jupiter's but they are hidden from view by the overlaying methane layer.
One trip to the salad bar
Like the salad served at the Pizza Hut but dislike the idea that it’s expensive and you are not allowed to take more than once? Here is a guide on how you can maximize your return of investment, invented by some creative Taiwanese students.
I take no responsibility if you get booted from the restaurant for practicing the following guide. So, beware.
A complete pictorial on how to make the most of that limited one trip visit.
5ives - Lists of Five Things
Five terrible fake names for James Bond women
- Cunnalingua Fränka
- Bosomy Flava
- Badonka Donk
- Felacia Von Succulent
- Uterus Jones
Five California cities that sound kind of dirty
- Coalinga
- Butte Valley
- Chilcoot
- Fawnskin
- La Conchita
Five things I’d like to see engraved on little rubber bracelets
- Nap Strong
- My Other Bracelet is Fighting Colon Cancer
- America: Shut Thy Pie Hole
- Kiss Me, I’m Trendy
- Please Watch Arrested Development
Five stories the mainstream media missed last year
- My DSL seems to be slowing down pretty bad
- Peaches just aren’t as good as they used to be
- That one cashier at the Safeway is kind of a dick
- People should wear hats more
- Coffee is still just so great
Five terrible fake names for feminine hygiene products
- September Morn’
- Dressy Drawers
- Horseback Sally’s All-Natural Disposable Swim Appliance
- Too Fresh by a Half
- Heather Menses
Death trivia and tidbits
Pope Johann XII died at age 18 after being beaten to death by his lover's husband.- It's impossible to kill yourself by holding your breath, so if a kid pulls that on you, say, "That's nice, dear. Go right ahead.." (This is why my sister doesn't like me to babyish for her.)
- Cosmic Irony - The person who wrote the famous song, "Keep the Home Fires Burning" burnt to death when their home caught fire.
- A few months before he got killed in a car accident, James Dean made a driver's safety TV ad in which he said, "Drive safely; the life you save may be mine".
- Mark Twain, born on a year Halley's Comet visited us, correctly predicted he would die the next time it came by.
- It is a myth that the hair and nails grow after death; the skin shrinks, giving the illusion of their growth
- President Abraham Lincoln was so distraught over his young son Willie dying, he had his coffin exhumed twice so he could look at him again. And they say Mary was the nutty one...
- The word 'mausoleum' comes from the memorial tomb of Mausolus, ruler of Caria, who died in 353 B.C. When he died his wife had him cremated, mixed his ashes with water, and drank him. Cheers!
- Henry the VIII executed some 72,000 subjects. His favorite method was boiling people to death .
- The ashes of astronomer Eugene Shoemaker were put aboard the 1999 Lunar Prospector flight and was "control" crashed into a crater to give him a moon burial.
- Singer Steve Goodman had his ashes buried under the home plate in Chicago's Wrigley Field.
- The name of the pilot of the ill-fated TWA Flight 800 which exploded over New York, was Ralph Kevorkian
- The Viet Nam Memorial has the names of 38 people engraved on it who are listed as killed, but weren't.
20 top paying jobs that don't require a college degree
Here are 20 of the top-paying jobs that don't require a degree according to Shatkin's book:
- Air traffic controller: Annual income: $102,030
- Storage and distribution manager: Annual income: $66,600
- Transportation manager: Annual income: $66,600
- Police and detectives supervisor: Annual income: $64,430
- Non-retail sales manager: Annual income: $59,300
- Forest fire fighting and prevention supervisor: Annual income: $58,920
- Municipal fire fighting and prevention supervisor: Annual income: $58,902
- Real estate broker: Annual income: $58,720
- Elevator installers and repairer: Annual income: $58,710
- Sales representative: Annual income: $58,580
- Dental hygienist: Annual income: $58,350
- Radiation therapist: Annual income: $57,700
- Nuclear medicine technologist: Annual income: $56,450
- Child support, missing persons and unemployment insurance fraud investigator: Annual income: $53,900
- Criminal investigators and special agent: Annual income: $53,990
- Immigration and Customs inspector: Annual income: $53,990
- Police detective: Annual Income: $53,990
- Police identification and records officer: Annual income: $53,990
- Commercial pilot: Annual income: $53,870
- Talent director: Annual income: $52,840
Though a college degree is not a requirement for these positions, all require moderate to extensive on-the-job training or apprenticeship. In addition, dental hygienists, radiation therapists, nuclear medicine technologists and commercial pilots require an associate degree at a vocational or technical school.
Not tonight
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all, dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....
Thanks Tommy Salami
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Mardi Gras - St. Louis style
St. Louis is said to have the second largest Mardi Gras celebration in the country normally. There was speculation that this year’s celebration might be larger than New Orleans because of the devastation left from Hurricane Katrina. They were expecting up to a half million people in the historic Soulard area for the party. The outdoor part of the partying is scheduled to end at 8 pm local time. Bars will close at 11 pm.
The scene was like this for quite a few blocks after the parade. It was a chilly day, with a high about 43 degrees. It was 63 degrees yesterday i here. The weather didn’t seem to deter the crowd in the least.
Some thought provoking quotes
- "When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes. When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours that's relativity." -- Albert Einstein
- "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." --A. Einstein
- A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.
- Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.
- It is a waste of energy to be angry with a man who behaves badly, just as it is to be angry with a car that won't go.
- The greatest challenge to any thinker is stating the problem in a way that will allow a solution.
- The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
- We can evade reality, but we cannot evade the consequences of evading reality.
- Price is what you pay. Value is what you get.
- The greatest risk is not taking one.
- Managers do things right. Leaders do the right thing.
- In business, the competition will bite you if you keep running; if you stand still, they will swallow you .
- God gives every bird its food, but he does not throw it into the nest.
- You don't drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there.
- Even if you're on the right track you'll get run over if you just sit there.
- If you cut grass without removing its root, it will flourish once again when the spring wind blows.
- Bulls make money. Bears make money. Pigs get slaughtered.
- There are many ways of going forward, but only one way of standing still.
Kids say the darndest things
A grade one teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by grade one kids (6 year-olds), because the last one is classic!
- Strike while the .........insect is close.
- Never underestimate the power of............ants.
- Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
- Better to be safe than......................punch a grade 7 boy.
- If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.
- It's always darkest before..................DaylightSaving Time.
- You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
- No news is..................................impossible.
- A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
- You can't teach an old dog new..............maths.
- Love all, trust.............................me.
- The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
- An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
- Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
- Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
- A penny saved is............................not much.
- Two's company, three's.....................the Musketeers.
- Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
- Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........you have to blow your nose.
- There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
- Children should be seen and not.............smacked or grounded.
- If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
- You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.
- When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.
- And the favorite:
- Better late than............................pregnant
Reduce your risk of alcohol-related injury: stay drunk
Reckless amateurs a danger to themselves
Weekend drinkers are more likely to injure themselves when hammered than full-time pro boozehounds, Swiss researchers have found.
Admissions to the emergency department at
Ten things that will change the way we live
From Forbes
- Fuel Cells - Fuel cells will change the global economy, and not just because they will be as big a development in motoring as the internal-combustion engine was.
- 2. Gene Therapy - Gene therapy works by inserting genes into cell tissue, essentially replacing a defective gene with one that works.
- 3. Haptics - Whether people know it or not, haptics has been subtly making inroads into everyday life in the form of vibrating phones, gaming controllers and force-feedback control knobs in cars (BMW's iDrive system uses the technology). But the science of haptics has the potential to do much more. Products, such as the CyberForce "whole-hand force feedback system" from Immersion Corporation and SenseAble Technologies, let users interact physically with virtual objects. For instance, by using a sensor-equipped glove and a force-reflecting exoskeleton, you could literally feel the shape, texture and weight of an onscreen 3-D object.
- 4. Internet2 The Next Generation Internet that will deliver video and data at much faster speeds than are possible over the public Internet.
- 5. Life Straw The 10-inch-long, 1-inch-in-diameter device is made by Vestergaard Frandsen S.A. of Lausanne, Switzerland, out of a patented resin that kills bacteria on contact. Its filters remove bacteria, such as salmonella and staphylococcus, from surface water in rivers and lakes. Reusable and, at $3 to $4 each, affordable, it has the potential to not only reduce the outbreak of disease but also to improve living standards and sanitation in many of the world's poorest regions.
- 6. MRAM - MRAM, or Magnetoresistive Random Access Memory, could change the way we work. Researchers at IBM have shown that MRAM can be six times faster than the current industry-standard memory, dynamic RAM (DRAM).
- 7. $100 Laptop - The Massachusetts Institute of Technology Media Lab has designed a fully functional laptop computer that can be sold for $100, so that children in poor or developing nations can get access to the Internet.
- 8. $200 barrel of oil - It's not an invention, but it will have a dramatic effect on the way everyone lives.
- 9. VoIP - Voice-over-Internet Protocol lets people make telephone calls over the Internet or any other IP-based network.
- 10. WiMAX - WiMAX stands for Worldwide Interoperability for Microwave Access, which is a long-range, standard-based wireless technology that will effectively allow people to access their phones, computers and the Internet from virtually anywhere.
The Top 15 Dick Cheney Huntin' Songs - (Part II)
15> S.H.O.T. in the - 14> Let Him Bleed
- 13> You Give Aim a Bad Name
- 12> Pour Some Bactine on Me
- 11> Careless Trigger
- 10> Stop Fraggin' My Heart Around
- 9> I've Just Shot a Face
- 8> Spinball Wizard
- 7> Hit Me With Your Buck Shot
- 6> The
- 5> Gettin' Triggery Wid It
- 4> I've Shot You Under Your Skin
- 3> Harper Valley NRA
- 2> The First Time Ever I Shot Your Face
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Dick Cheney Huntin' Song...
(Don't Fear) the Veeper
Friday, February 24, 2006
Excuses for calling in sick
When asked to share the most unusual excuses workers gave for missing work, hiring managers shared some of their favorite examples:
Google Current
Get the latest in what people are searching for in a format not unlike Entertainment Tonight with Google Current.
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