Try counting sheepMaybe it’ll help.
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
Dazed and Confused/About Last Night/Dude, Where's My Car?
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas.
A captain and co-pilot are beginning their approach for a landing at an airport neither of them has ever been to before. Everything is routine until they dip below the clouds and the pilot takes a look out of the window. In that level, measured voice that commercial aviators around the world seem to acquire along with their wings, the captain says quietly, "This little strip they gave us, maybe it isn't long enough."
No Jesus
CONWAY, Ark. -- The worms in Phyllis Smith's garden are trying to tell her something. 
When immigrants want to become Americans, they must take a civics test as part of their naturalization interview before a Citizenship and Immigration Services officer. The questions are usually selected from a list of 100 sample questions that prospective citizens can look at ahead of the interview (though the examiner is not limited to those questions). Some are easy, some are not. We have picked some of the more difficult ones. 
A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
Town N Country, Florida – A woman is in stable condition after being ejected through the sunroof of her SUV during an accident.
Funny video of a kid showing off lifting weights.
This is the story of an anniversary. 
Then you need a USB Air Conditioned Shirt
LEXINGTON, Ky. -- Once the umpire called Roger Clemens' kid safe, a minor league manager threw a major league tantrum that would have made Lou Piniella, Earl Weaver and Tommy Lasorda proud.
Here are just a few tidbits about the Man of Steel and the new movie Superman Returns:
How to make fast food just like you get at McDonald’s at home. Here is an excerpt abut searing the hamburger patties:
1. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?”
What would happen if a large meteor collided with the earth? 
“Pickles are destroying my life.”
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Allen Funt – Watch out!
1. You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?” you realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox.
2. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, “I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn.” Your boss was standing behind you. It’s his wife.
3. You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled this week as vacation, not last week.
4. You take a “sick” day and the next morning the boss asks you, “So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”
5. You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and bloody knuckles. Your underwear are missing. You’re in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.
This isn’t an Alfred Hitchcock thriller… but it’s pretty incredible footage of thousands of birds that keep landing in a cedar tree and almost take it down with their weight.
Three boys are boasting about their fathers.
…. so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day .