Nice diversionary tactic using the little ones.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Bath time curiosities
A three-year-old boy was examining his pee pee while taking a bath. "Mama," he asked, "are these my brains?"
Mama smiled and answered, "Not yet."
CDC ALERT
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him."
Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.
(No hate mail please. I’d have done it it if it were a Democrat joke too. ‘Cause it’s funny.)
Evil brothers
There were two evil brothers who were rich and used their money to hide their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of the sudden, one of the brothers died. The surviving brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." He went on in this vein for a small time, and the surviving brother was clearly fuming in his seat.
"But," the pastor concluded, "compared to his brother, he was a saint!"
Misleading food names
Here are a few:
- Boston cream pie and Washington Pie are cakes not pies.
- French fries probably originated in Belgium. The name comes from the cooking term to french which is a method of cutting into strips.
- French salad dressing is unknown in France.
- Head cheese is not cheese, but a terrine made from the meat of a calf or pig's head (in United Kingdom it is called brawn)
- German chocolate cake is not a German torte but a wholly American layer cake deriving its name from Sam German, who invented the sweet baking chocolate German's Baker's chocolate in 1852.
- Hot dogs - meat, but not dog meat. Reputedly named for the sausage's resemblance to the shape of the dachshund dog.
- Rocky Mountain oysters, also known as "prairie oysters", are not oysters, nor are they from the Rocky Mountains, particularly. They are calf's or bull's testicles, which some people consider to be a delicacy.
- Flaming Dr. Pepper tastes like Dr Pepper but contains none.
- Long Island Iced Tea has no tea in it and is extremely alcoholic.
- Chick-o-Stick: not a stick of chicken, or chicken on a stick, but a candy bar
- Chicken of the Sea: canned tuna
- Grape-nuts: cereal contains neither grapes nor nuts.
A hanger for your kid
Finally, the answer for when the mom on the go...
HAS GOTTA GO!
The Babykeeper is the only portable, safe and sanitary solution for what to do with your infant or toddler while using public restrooms and fitting rooms.
This actually seems like a neat idea. You don’t want the kid crawling around on the floor.
Price $39.95 thru today. Then it’ll be $59.50
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
The terrorist bastards have sunk to a new low!
Roadside bombs, suicide bombers, bombs strapped to babies, but this………………it's just wrong
The soldier is reaching for a bottle of beer. Watch out! It’s a trap!
Need a smoke?
On the back label: Horse Shit Cigarettes are made from the finest grade of domestic and imported horse shit obtainable. Only fresh midd horse shit is used. NOT MULE SHIT. And they are roasted to keep that mild, sweet taste.
Lose pounds by becoming a CBS News anchor
CBS Whittles Katie Couric's Waist In Doctored Photo
CBS visibly altered Katie Couric's photo in its "Watch" Magazine, slenderizing her waist, arms and neck. TVNewser id's the first photo as Katie's official CBS photo, taken at the upfronts in May.
Isn’t photshop great!
Top 10 tips for growing old slowly and gracefully
1. Keep away from smoking.
2. Keep the weight down.
3. Take supplements.
4. Skip a meal each day or fast a day each week.
5. Get a pet.
6. Get medical help for chronic pain.
7. Get walking.
8. Reduce arguments.
9. Live around plants.
10. Do some weight-training.
Virtual helicopter ride
Take a simulated ride. (It’s short but gives a true feeling of what it is like to ride in one of these.)
2006 Dictionary of new Business Euphenisms
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line answer to the couch potato.
SITCOM: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trial was a prime example. Bill Clinton's Grand Jury testimony is another.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for some computer commands.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks
Is it my lucky day or is it just a scam?
According to an email I just received PayPal, or someone pretending to be PayPal, is supposedly going to give me $100 for answering 5 questions.
Here are the questions:
Sound too good to be true? Of course it is. Once you answer these very difficult questions, they want all your information including your Social Security number. On the next screen they’ll ask for your PayPal login and password to “deposit” the $100 into your account. They might even want your credit card numbers too (I don’t know because I didn’t go that far to see).
The first clue when I see something like this is to hold the mouse pointer over the link and see what the URL is going to go to when you click the link. (The URL displays in the bottom left of your window.) Like below:
That doesn’t look anything like paypal.com to me.
As you’ve heard time and time again….. if it sounds too good to be true it is.
Be careful when you golf
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercup. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! do you know how long it took me to make those buttercup? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life...... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!
Then POOF!......she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T SWING!!!"
Thanks Joe P
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Back when parts of this were still possible....
An airline passenger flags down a flight steward and says, "Captain, I want a drink, but I have not seen the stewardess anywhere around."
The steward answers, "Actually, I am not the captain. This airline is proud to have integrated many of the traditional male-female roles of the industry. I would be happy to get you a drink."
"Wow, what does the captain think of that?"
"She is all for it," explains the flight steward. "In fact, the entire flight crew is female."
"I don't believe it! Take me up to the cockpit so I can see for myself!"
"Actually sir," coughs the steward, "we don't call it that anymore."
The sound behind the door
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We cannot tell you. You are not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks gain accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but once again the monks reply, "We cannot tell you. You are not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I am dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
So the man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." And then they lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved almost beyond belief. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I cannot tell you what it is, because you are not a monk.
Mouth to mouth from a Hippo
Mouth to mouth from a Hippo
A hippo tries to rescue an impala from the jaws of a crocodile. It works but the impala doesn't make it... even after the hippo tries to revive it with mouth to mouth resucitation. The croc gets his meal in the end. Incredible footage.
How to dispose of an 8 ton whale carcass
Exploding Whale
How to dispose of an 8 ton dead whale that washed up on your beach.
There's something about Mary
The Virgin Mary, that is….
First, she appeared on a grilled cheese. Then, a highway underpass.
Now, behold, the Virgin Mary has descended upon the belly of a Burbank pet turtle.
In a shallow plastic tank on Lotus Drive, the chocolate brown vision beams from the pink gut of a sand turtle named Mary.
Sitting beneath a gold-speckled paper plate featuring a coloring book version of Jesus' mom, Shirley McVane dangled the turtle from her plump fingers.
"She came to a holy house," said the feisty 81-year-old, her voice a low rumble. "I think she came to visit us so God knows she's happy and safe."
About a year ago, McVane's grandson bought her little Mary and her tank-mate Joseph (they were named after the silhouette appeared) from a local pet store.
The turtles were just babies then, smaller than a quarter. But as they grew, the image on Mary's belly began to take shape.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Little Donnie Juan
It was hard to come up with a caption for this photo. Ideas that ran through my head:
- Multitasking
- Mini Me
- Practice makes perfect
- Mickey & Minnie
- Lady killer in the making
- Minnie Unplugged
- Thirsty?
- Mickey, Minnie and the Tittie Tot
I’d better stop there.
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Mad wife disease
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation.
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked,
"What the hell was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called."
Confession
There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face!"
You might be a redneck if.....
A little rain don’t spoil yer fishin.
You wear a shirt like this for your engagement picture.
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Your doghouse looks like this
My first homepage
Howdy y'all! Welcome to my website. We just got AOL so I made this here page to introduce myself and my friends and family.
This here’s my dawg —>
Guy puts on 121 T-Shirts .....
… just to see if he could do it. This is Will Sharp, a 25-year-old native Washingtonian who recently broke the Guinness World Record for the most T-shirts worn at once.
Why stop there? Couldn’t he have borrowed his buddies shirts?
With 1 T-shirt on. With 121 T-shirts on.
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