Probably won’t have much time to work on my tan.
Will be gone til Saturday night.
I don’t think I’ll have any internet access while I’m there this time so if I don’t post anything – that’s why.
Ya’ll be careful out there!
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
golf tees
A man pulls into a full service filling station. As the attendant is waiting for the tank to fill, he is carefully washing the windshield, when he looks down into the car and sees a couple of golf tees sitting on the console."What the heck are those for?" He asked.
"They are for putting your balls on while you're driving." The customer replied.
The attendant, without a second of thought said, "That damned General Motors thinks of everything!!"
Thanks Mary
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Car trouble
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a
limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent As he stood looking at the gradually
fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."
The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a
ghost."
"It's unbelievable, " the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know shit about cars."
Baby Boomers death statistics
Percentage of Boomers who are dead:
6.56571624 %
Total Boomers left alive:
70,877,378.98
Seconds before the next Boomer dies:
57.9
Boomers died in last 24 hours:
1,491.1
The generally accepted birth years of Baby Boomers is 1946-1964. Kathleen Casey – Born 1 second after midnight on January 1st, 1946 is generally regarded as the "First Baby Boomer". Click here to see a real-time 'Baby Boomer Death Clock'.
20 ways to annoy your public bathroom stall neighbor
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16. Say, "Dang, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".
"Gee, your poop smells terrific"
A revolutionary new “poop” deodorizing pill
Whiff reduces or eliminates poop odor by helping your body process and cleanse your poop's key odor-causing compounds. Whiff’s all-natural ingredients, used safely for centuries by Chinese and Native American herbalists, are specially blended for a healthier intestinal environment that lets you truthfully say, "My poop doesn't stink!".
Order yours at Take A Whiff. Only $15 for a 30 day supply.
List of 160 free PIM's (Personal Information Managers)
Here’s the list…..Windows and Mac based. ……and they’re all free.
Monday, September 04, 2006
Fender skirts and steering knobs
I came across this phrase in a book yesterday "FENDER SKIRTS."
A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice….
Like "curb feelers"
And "steering knobs." (AKA) suicide knob
Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days.
But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for granted. This floors me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes.
In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting."
Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other
day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.
I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an affectation.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.
Candy you ate as a kid
Pretty cool interactive site with lots of candies that you can click on to get more info about.
Laughter is contagious... well, to some anyway
Well fed kid on ride....
.... and he gets no sympathy from his co-rider.
Crikey!
Croc hunter done in by stingray
Steve Irwin, the Australian television personality and environmentalist known as the Crocodile Hunter, was killed Monday by a stingray barb during a diving expedition, media reports said.
Irwin, 44, was filming an underwater documentary on the Great Barrier Reef in northeastern Queensland state when the accident occurred, Sydney's The Daily Telegraph newspaper reported on its Web site.
The Australian Broadcasting Corp. said Irwin was diving near Low Isles Reef near the resort town of Port Douglas, about 2,100 kilometers north of the state capital of Brisbane when the incident happened.
Queensland ambulance service spokesman Bob Hamil confirmed that a diver had been killed by a stingray off Lowe Isles Reef, but said the person's name wasn't being released pending notification of the family.
A rescue helicopter was sent from the nearby city of Cairns, and paramedics from it confirmed the diver's death.
"The probable cause of death is stingray strike to the chest," Hamil said.
Staff at Australia Zoo, Irwin's zoo in southern Queensland, said they had heard the media reports but could not make any comment.
How stingrays can kill you (From TimesOnline)
Stingrays are placid fish whose larger species are occasionally known to tolerate the efforts of gung-ho scuba divers to "hitch a ride" by clinging to their fins.
But when the usually non-aggressive creatures feel threatened or are trodden on, they are capable of delivering horrific, agonising injuries by lashing out with the razor-sharp, barbed sting at the end of their tails.
The barbs, which grow out of the bayonet-like sting like fingernails, are designed to snag in the flesh of the ray's unwary victim. Each barb is serrated and can be up to 20cm (8ins) long, and is coated with a paralysing toxin which the ray secretes along two grooves in its tail.
Stingray injuries are common, as the fish are often found around the coastline where people swim and paddle. Most wounds are sustained to the legs or feet when stingrays are trodden on in the shallows. In some cases the stingray’s toxic barb is broken off and remains in the wound, especially when the fish is pulled off the victim.
Fatal attacks, such as the one which today cost the life of Australia's "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin, are however almost unheard of.
It is only when the barb enters the body through the chest area, so that the heart or other vital organs are damaged and the poison is administered directly, causing the blood vessels to constrict, that very serious injuries can occur and death is more likely.
Dr Bryan Fry, deputy director of the Australian Venom Research Unit at the University of Melbourne, said today that a dose of stingray venom was "extraordinarily painful".
"If (Irwin) was conscious he would have been in agony," Dr Fry told the Reuters news agency.
Dr Fry said stingray venom was a defensive weapon similar to that in stonefish, whose poison is generally fatal, but in the stingray's case the toxin was not lethal. It was the serrated barbs on the stingray's tail that would have delivered the fatal injury, he said.
"It's not the going in, it's the coming out," Fry said. "They have these deep serrations which tear and render the flesh as it comes out."
Assorted links relating to Steve Irwin (borrowed from Look at This)
'Crocodile Hunter' Steve Irwin killed. R.I.P.
Official Site.
Steve Irwin's Croc One
YouTube - Steve Irwin sacrifices child
Animal Planet :: The Crocodile Hunter
Steve Irwin - Wikipedia
Steve Irwin - IMDb
Irregular Webcomic: The Steve and Terry Cast
Bush town remembers Irwin
Irwin was one of the greats, says Bellamy
Here we go again - Music video
Here we go again
Great treadmill video. (I don't think I've EVER written that short sentence before.)
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Bits & Pieces is featured as Blog Of The Day
Bits and Pieces is honored to be featured as Blog-Of-The-Day at www.blogoftheday.org
Here’s a link to today’s featured blog: http://blogoftheday.org/page/112194
At the bar
A rather confident man, walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Red Neck Road Rage
A couple of Canadian red necks get into some road rage with a rich guy in a BMW Z4. Don't judge a book by its cover, just cause he drives a nice car doesn't mean he's soft.
Great video.
Reporter touches 6,000 volt electric fence
Reporter touches 6,000 volt electric fence
Stupid is as stupid does.
A young boy wonders....
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where DID all of my intelligence come from?
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine".
She's back, she's gassy and she hates you... and so on and so on...
She's back, she's gassy, and she hates you.
did I mention that she's gassy?
I couldn't watch the whole thing.. Can you?
High school kids answers to science questions
The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax andthe abominablee cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does of the the cow instead of the bull.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
The skeleton is what is left after the outsides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends toward the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Germinate: To become a German.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmativeor negative.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.
For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill him.
For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.
For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
(...and don't forget, folks: if you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!)
Friday, September 01, 2006
Phone cam magic
Marco Tempest - PhoneCam Magic #2 - Did you see it... ?
Easy Writer.... or Big Writer
"Stop the leaks"
WASHINGTON - Concerned about the appearance of disarray and feuding within his administration as well as growing resistance to his policies in Iraq, President Bush - living up to his recent declaration that he is in charge - told his top officials to "stop the leaks" to the media, or else.
News of Bush's order leaked almost immediately.
Bush told his senior aides Tuesday that he "didn't want to see any stories" quoting unnamed administration officials in the media anymore, and that if he did, there would be consequences, said a senior administration official who asked that his name not be used.
Golfer and Leprechaun
A Golfer hit a terrible slice into the deep woods. Looking for his ball, he was amazed to find a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye caught me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks away.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I'll give him the three things I would want....a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now."
"Well, I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?" responds the Leprechaun in disappointment, "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "That's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Thanks Mary
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