Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man,who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

Thanks Phyllis

Simple solution to the immigration problem

Let’s dig a moat around the U.S. border and fill it with all the alligators that appear to be in abundance in Florida all of a sudden.  Then we take that dirt we dug from the moat to New Orleans and built a floodwall with it…. or just rebuild the city on top of all the dirt so it’s above floodstage.

Any other problems you need solved?

Heard on Paul Harvey’s radio program

This just in....

I took this picture less than five minutes ago (5:30 CDT) from my deck on the back of my house.   It was a very short but active lightning show.   The view is across the Mississippi River looking into Illinois.

Weiner rafting

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Mom, I can't find my underwear

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Stevie, we can't hear ya, man

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How to break up with your girlfriend... or boyfriend

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Congratulations are in order

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Color coordinate your bathroom daily

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What road?

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Have the movie theatre experience at home

1. Pour Coke on the floor the previous night and allow to harden.
2. Garnish with wads of chewing gum.
3. Buy a DVD, but not the extended version.
4. Make popcorn, but put all the butter on one side of the bowl.
5. Set your cell phone to go off randomly throughout the film.
6. Place an obstacle that is taller than you, directly in front of your seat.
7. Throw popcorn at yourself.
8. Leer at yourself and flirt shamelessly.
9. Do not pause the DVD for bathroom breaks.
10. Ask yourself outloud what is happening. Do this every ten minutes.
11. Give away the ending to yourself.

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Stonefridge

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Takin a break

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Farm humor

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Rainy day elephant

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American Gothic in balloons

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Aptly named attorney

Link

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Nice wedding picture

Except for that half-naked fat gal on the beach.  (I think it’s a gal)

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I thought you were bringing the beer

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How to think like a genius

"Even if you're not a genius, you can use the same strategies as Aristotle and Einstein to harness the power of your creative mind and better manage your future."

The following eight strategies encourage you to think productively, rather than reproductively, in order to arrive at solutions to problems. "These strategies are common to the thinking styles of creative geniuses in science, art, and industry throughout history."

1. Look at problems in many different ways, and find new perspectives that no one else has taken (or no one else has publicized!)

2. Visualize!

3. Produce! A distinguishing characteristic of genius is productivity.

4. Make novel combinations. Combine, and recombine, ideas, images, and thoughts into different combinations no matter how incongruent or unusual.

5. Form relationships; make connections between dissimilar subjects.

6. Think in opposites.

7. Think metaphorically.

8. Prepare yourself for chance.

For more details on these thoughts click here.

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Moving day

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Bigfoot's cobbler

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The fight

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Tampon crafts - For any time of the month

    

How to make these and other crafts.

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Why is there a worm in bottles of tequila?

The critter in question is the agave worm, which is actually a butterfly larva.

OK, but why is he there?

Find out the rest of the story at The Straight Dope

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Hog heaven

In 1903, the same year Henry Ford incorporated the Ford Motor Company and the Wright brothers first flew, William Harley and his friends Arthur and Walter Davidson launched the Harley-Davidson Motor Company. They gave their bike a quality engine, so it could prove itself in races, but planned to manufacture it as a transport vehicle.

That same year the merchant, C. H. Lange, sold the first officially distributed Harley-Davidson in Chicago, a city given to "motoracing" and auto-touring. Another of the Davidson brothers, William, joined the company, which soon burst the seams of its first manufacturing center and, by 1906, had to move to larger quarters in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Hog Heaven – Celebrating 100 Years of Harley Davidson

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Missouri motorcycle road trip

We just got back from a two day bike ride from our home near St. Louis.  We met some friends at McDonald’s in St. Charles, then traveled out the winding two lane highway 94 to Augusta where we stopped for fresh baked bread at the Bread Shed bakery (4).  Then onto Hermann MO (5) where we picked up a couple bottles of Stone Hill wine.  We continued on highway 94 all the way to the state capital, Jefferson City (7).  From there we took highway 54 down to the Lake of the Ozarks and stopped for lunch at Stewart’s Restaurant in Camdenton.  After lunch we toured the lake area a bit and headed down highway 7 towards Laurie MO in search of the National Shrine of Mary, Mother of the Church (9).  We found it, a beautiful church and a shrine to mothers everywhere.   You can even have your mother’s name engraved on a wall, for a nominal fee, of course. 

Then it was off towards our real destination… the Caveman BBQ & Steak House (10).  This restaurant is built inside a cave right above the Gasconade River.  It was a speakeasy during prohibition.  The cave is on the second floor, if you can describe a hillside as having floors, and it is reached by a somewhat rickety and small elevator after an interesting ride in a shuttle van from the gravel parking lot.  The food was good and the ambiance was very unique.   The cave is climate controlled so it was very comfortable.  (The emergency exit is a spiral staircase down to ground level.)

From there we headed a short distance to Interstate 44 and on up to Rolla MO where we found a so-so place to spend the night.  Cost $33.    This morning we packed up and headed north on I-44 towards home, but stopped at Diana’s Diner in St. James MO for breakfast.

We arrived home about 1:30 this afternoon.   A little sun/wind burned but none the worse for wear.    Amazingly, we stayed dry the whole trip.  If you would have bet me $100 it wouldn’t rain I’d have taken you up on that bet in a flash.   The forecast called for storms.  Somehow we lucked out and missed the bad weather.   The only rain we got was the slightest sprinkle as we arrived at the cave restaurant.   It was dry when we left the restaurant.   The skies did look very threatening when we checked into the hotel for the night and must have rained a little bit overnight but nothing of significance.  Total miles: 425.

A message for Barry Bonds

Thanks Ruth

Dear NSA

Dear NSA is here to help harness the collective wisdom of everyday folks, just like you.

Got a question or need a little advice?   The federal government can probably help you out.  Through their information gathering techniques, they’ve learned quite  a bit.

Here are some recent Questions and Answers:

Q: My wife suggested that I get this new haircut, how does it look?

A: It's fine -- but what's up with the pedicure?

Q: Where did I leave my keys?

A: Inside pocket of your gray jacket (it's hanging in the front closet).

 

Q: What should I get my wife for her birthday?

A: Blue sundress from Calypso. Size 12. Also note that she likes to have her toes licked.

 

Q: Can I substitute margarine for butter in my Toll House cookie recipe?

A: We know that you've been smoking pot.

 

Q: What should I have for dinner?

A: You've been eating a lot of Chinese and pizza -- how about some Turkish?

 

Q: Should I be worried about this red bump on my arm?

A: Nevermind that bump -- try exercising and eating more soy protein and fiber to get your cholesterol down (285 is dangerously high).

 

Dear NSA

I'm Special

Thanks Phyllis

Public Service Announcement

Water vs Beer

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

BEER……….   However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poop

BEER = HEALTH

Free yourself of Poop, drink BEER!!! It is better to drink beer and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.

(There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.)

Thanks Deadeye

WARNING - Do not go this way

Does my ass look fat in these jeans?

Longer, larger what?

Bareback mountin'

Bug chopper

They just go together

How to sink an aircraft carrier

The ex-Oriskany was sunk 24 miles off the coast of Pensacola Florida as an artificial reef. The 888ft carrier sunk in 37 minutes. The little gray boat on the deck held the detonation equipment and floated free during the sinking.

More pictures

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Wanna go to heaven?

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Dublin, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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Cool Cat

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Miss Long Tongue 2006

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Another case of bird flu in Florida

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Wino wisdom

From Modern Drunkard Magazine

“Excuse me, sir, care to make a donation to the United Negro Michelob Fund?”
An unusually honest panhandler outside Murphy’s Pub, Alexandria, VA.

“If you don’t drink in the morning, you can’t be drunk all day.”
Uncle Tom breaking out philosophy and the first beer of the morning.

  “If you want to drink all day, you gotta start early.”
Unnamed drunk at Mary’s Cafe, Clifton Heights PA.

“The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The drunk says, 'Are you gonna drink that'?"
Robert G. eschewing the philosophical for the practical.

“The drinking will continue until you show a dramatic improvement in attitude.”
Sandy T., 28, addressing her “uppity” liver at the Cockpit Lounge.

”No wonder you were sick—look at all the puke you swallowed!”
A bartender’s pithy diagnosis of a patron face down on the bar

“The jukebox is the drunkard’s fireplace.”
Troy B., warming himself to Wheel in the Sky in the Streets of London Pub.

“My wife never knew I drank until I made the mistake of coming home sober.”
Overheard at Riley’s Tavern in Broomfield, CO.

“Behind every good man, there’s a bartender in front of him.”
Sheer genius overheard by William G. at The Library Bar, NYC.

“Will Kidnap Your Mother-in-Law For Beer Money.”
Sign held by unnamed wino at the corner of Colfax and Grant.

“I was merely trying to appreciate the perspective of the snake.”
Unnamed patron at the Leisure Lounge, explaining why she was found laying under a pool table.

“I once got so drunk I woke up in a tree. Which wasn’t so bad, except the tree was in a different state than I started in. I call that being ‘Cross-Country Tree-Climbin’ Drunk.’”
Roy B., drinking on the ground and in his home state (for now).

Many more bits of wino wisdom

sign of the times

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Drinking toasts

From Modern Drunkard Magazine

People talk about our drinking
But never about our thirst.
 —Scottish

Here’s to those who wish us well
As for the rest, they can go to Hell.
—Anonymous

  What shall we drink to?
To four in the morning!
—Anonymous

  Lift ‘em high and drain ‘em dry
To the guy who says, “My turn to buy!”
—Anonymous

Wise, kind, gentle, generous, sexy
But enough about me, here’s to you.
—Anonymous

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
 —George Bernard Shaw

Here’s to whiskey, scotch and rye
Amber, smooth, and clear
Not as sweet as a woman’s lips
But a damn sight more sincere.
—Anonymous

It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow
Than to spend tonight like there’s no money.
—P.J. O’Rourke

Let us have wine and women
Mirth and laughter
Sermons and soda-water
The day after.
—Lord Byron

 Here’s to steak when you’re hungry
Whiskey when you’re dry
A lover when you need one
And Heaven when you die.
—Irish

May you never go to hell
But always be on your way.
—Yiddish

I love to sing and I love to drink
But most people like to hear me drink.
—George Burns

 Work like you don’t need the money
Love like you’ve never been hurt
Dance like no-one is watching
Screw like it’s being filmed
And drink like a true Irishman.
—Anonymous

‘Tis better to buy a small bouquet
And give to your friend this very day
Than a bushel of roses white and red
To lay on his coffin after he’s dead.
—Irish