Tuesday, September 12, 2006
The first day of school
A little girl, coming home from her first week of school, is utterly exasperated.
"I am just wasting my time," she tells her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
Promise me...
Wife to Husband: "If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you'll let my mother ride in the first car with you."
Husband: "All right, but it will ruin my day."
Guinness world bra record busted in seconds
I recall being very good at this…
Teenage boys — and a lot of grown men — could learn a lot from Thomas Vogel. On Saturday, the German man displayed dazzling dexterity to break the Guinness world record for the most brassieres unhooked in one minute using one hand, shattering the record with an eye- and clasp-popping 56 opened bras in 60 seconds.
The Bavarian bra-buster did so on the set of a TV show in Cologne, with a bevy of bra-covered beauties lined up to assist him. Vogel bested the Guinness world record previously held by Aussie Rick Canzler, who unhooked 42 bras on June 19 of last year in Sydney (though we doubt Canzler's game is suffering much).
That said, sorry ladies. Most males lack the deft touch that Vogel displayed on Saturday, as evidenced by the awkward stories of bra openings gone wrong, described below. Here's hoping more guys get their fumbling moves figured out soon.
Undoing the clasp
Gather 'round, my brethren, and pay close attention. I am about to reveal the answer to the mystery that has befuddled mankind since the first cave man tried to get to second base with the cave girl next door.
There exists a simple, effective and time-tested technique for quickly undoing a brassiere in the heat of passion without coming off like a clumsy high schooler on prom night.
Amazingly, you don't even need both hands to do it.
After all, nothing quite says "amateur" like a man who fumbles and stumbles while trying to unlock that first gate — otherwise known as the two small clasps on the back of a bra.
You'd think knowing how to effortlessly separate a pair of tiny hooks from eyelets would be as innate to a guy as, say, knowing how to throw a spiral or read a box score.
Yet most of us — well, most of you — have no doubt experienced the frustration and embarrassment of taking way too long to unlatch those pesky clasps.
It's enough to make a guy feel like a boob.
Which is why I am willing to share a fool-proof technique that has been handed down in my family for generations.
Ready? The trick to opening a bra easily and smoothly is... use your left hand.
It's no big secret, really, just basic mechanics. Bra hooks are sewn into bands in a direction that makes it easier for southpaws. So the next time you're making like Jose Reyes and going for second at full tilt, just remember these four easy steps:
1) Reach behind your gal with your left hand, 2) firmly grasp the bra band where the clasps meet, 3) pinch it between your thumb and first two fingers, and 4) gently pull.
The bra should come undone faster than it takes Paris Hilton to catch a margarita buzz. Just don't get caught practicing.
Monday, September 11, 2006
5ives
Five kitchen tools that sound kind of dirty
1. chocolate fountain
2. melon baller
3. meat baster
4. boning knife
5. corn holders
Five things that make me smile
1. the little arrow in the FedEx logo
2. elderly couples in matching outfits
3. “You Didn’t Have to Be So Nice” by the Lovin’ Spoonful
4. Candide
5. Jack Horkheimer
Five reasons the terrorists hate us (apart from “our freedom”)
1. Wal-Mart’s everyday low prices
2. those accursed speakers of truth at Fox News
3. the bodacious racks of our many former child stars
4. those delicious steak fries
5. Bladder Buster Thursdays at that one place near campus
Geezer news
Lots of stories like this:
Woman, 82, Gets Ticket for Crossing The Street Too Slow
LOS ANGELES - An 82-year-old woman received a $114 ticket for taking too long to cross a street. Mayvis Coyle said she began shuffling with her cane across Foothill Boulevard in the San Fernando Valley when the light was green, but was unable to make it to the other side before it turned red.
She said the motorcycle officer who ticketed her on Feb. 15 told her she was obstructing traffic.
"I think it's completely outrageous," said Coyle, who described herself as a Cherokee medicine woman. "He treated me like a 6-year-old, like I don't know what I'm doing."
Los Angeles police Sgt. Mike Zaboski of the Valley Traffic Division said police are cracking down on people who improperly cross streets because pedestrian accidents are above normal. He said he could not comment on Coyle's ticket other than to say that it is her word against that of the citing officer, identified only as Officer Kelly.
Councilwoman Wendy Greuel said she has asked transportation officials to figure out how to accommodate elderly people. "We should look at those areas with predominantly seniors and accommodate their needs in intersections" she said.
Thought for the day
Tomorrow, which isn't even here yet, will never be the day after tomorrow again.
Old golfers
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said.
"The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach.
That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
A cussing preacher
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out 1st, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya!"
Sunday, September 10, 2006
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