Dear Alcohol...

Dear Alcohol...

First and foremost, let me tell you that  I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed.  The perfect gift, post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around  at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the  midst of endless family gatherings). However, lately I've been wondering about  your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at  heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1.  Phone Calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important. I  question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much  substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I  know, for a fact , they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone  all hours of the night.

2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal.  But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big  Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off  with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an  eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this time.

3.  Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more  yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing  me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks  that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it  should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the  lock.

4. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting  ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be  in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My  entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water,  vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face  down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever).The hangover should  be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Thank  you,

Your Biggest Fan

P.S. Please take a moment or two and note  the following items below that I think may be of some interest to  you.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT T O SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1.  Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS  THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. British  Constitution
3. Passive -Aggressive Disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT  IMPOSSIBLE T O SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have  sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my  type.
4. Good evening , officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I  couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Thanks Gene