My most heartfelt wishes for a happy holiday for you and yours this Christmas season. – Jonco
What do you call a child that is afraid of Santa? CLAUStraphopic
Fairytale of New York
Four Seniors were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, 'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.'
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, 'Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.'
Number 2 guy says, 'I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.'
Number 3 guy says 'Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.'
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
'I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf. '
... and she said, 'Take your sweater.'
Mangesh Hattikudur, co-founder of mental_floss magazine (and blog), included this story in the mental_floss newsletter a couple of weeks ago.
The Polar Express
I figured I’d share a little story that reminds me of why I love the holidays. Last year around this time, my 4-year old niece was going through chemo for leukemia. She was having a rough time. She’d lost her hair, and while she was all smiles, she was too weak and sick to go to school, and didn’t have much interaction with other kids. Plus, like other children in the same condition, she was asked not to travel. But here’s the sweet part: a group of retired pilots arranged this big Christmas party at a New York airport, where all these young kids with leukemia were invited and told that they were finally going to go on a trip. So the kids were giddy. They and their parents were all given tickets, and herded onto a plane. Then the shutters were closed and the aircraft just taxied around while the kids sang carols and drank punch. And when they finally pulled up to a different terminal, which was decorated in snowflakes and candy canes, and filled with Christmas trees, the kids were told they’d arrived at the North Pole. When the party was over, they hopped on another plane and traveled back to New York.
I saw my niece a week later and she couldn’t stop chattering about her trip to the Arctic. Seeing Mrs. Claus, shaking hands with elves, and armed with the evidence of having been on a real live moving plane, she knew she’d traveled to Santa’s abode. And I know it made her miserable year so much better. I love the idea that something so small- driving an aircraft from one side of a runway to the other, was dreamed up into something so much more magical. I’d love to thank those pilots for organizing such a wonderful event, and bringing so many smiles to so many sick kids. I guess it just renews my faith in people when I hear that men and women are spending their spare time dreaming up events like these, and I hope you’re witnessing similar acts of goodness in your part of the globe.
You can read another account of a fantasy flight to the North Pole. And another. They do it in San Jose, California, also. And in Cleveland. The Navy is involved, too -see a video here. And here is a slideshow of images from one such flight.
A Different Christmas Poem
The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the
sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to e at.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."
"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."
Recently, I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport.
They had announced the departure.Standing near the security gate, they hugged, and the mother
said, "I love you , and I wish you enough . "he daughter replied, "Mom, our life together
has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom ."
They kissed , and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated.
Standing there, I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her
privacy , but she welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it
would be forever?"
Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?"
"I am old , and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead , and the reality is -
her next trip back will be for my funeral," she said.
"When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough . ' May I ask what
She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations.
My parents used to say it to everyone ." She paused a moment and looked up as if trying
to remember it in detail, and she smiled even more. "When we said, 'I wish you enough,'
we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to
sustain them ." Then, turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting
it from memory.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
Then, she began to cry, and walked away.
They say, it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day
to love them, but an entire life to forget them.
* Only if you wish, send this to the people you will never forget, and remember to send
it back to the person who sent it to you. If you don't send it to anyone, it may mean that
you are in such a hurry that you have forgotten your friends.TAKE TIME TO LIVE.....To all my friends and loved ones,I WISH YOU ENOUGH........Thanks Mickie
First Drafts from Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book
so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give
that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream.
Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to
do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
All the toys are made by little kids like you in
. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a China
Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films.
I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at
the craps table.
P.S. Tell your mom she got the part.
"Long Dong" Claus
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting
an ugly sweater again.
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second,
you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your
pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.