In the Southern Cross University Staff Directory you can find:
And another…
From the Kansas Jayhawks softball team:
Friday, February 24, 2006
Time to change the name again...
Bodyscapes
Artist Allan Teger has taken some really incredible photos using the human body.
Here are just a couple examples of his work:
Cows
Bikes
Play Bullshit Bingo at your next meeting
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Bullshit Bingo is a way to change all of that!
Before each meeting, visit Bullshit Bingo and print one copy of this game card for each player, refreshing the page before each print, or have the players print their own BS Bingo cards. These instructions will not be printed, but you can select a card only version of this page when playing on line, or with a PDA.
Check off each block when you hear these words during a meeting, seminar, or phone call. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout BULLSHIT!!
The Top 15 Dick Cheney Huntin' Songs - (Part I)
15> Let It Be (a Quail -- Please, God, Let It Be a Quail!)- 14> Born to Gun
- 13> Bullet the New Guy
- 12> He Blinded Me With Birdshot
- 11> The First Shot Is the Veepest
- 10> Gun Fun Fun
- 9> Dickie, Don't Shoot That Lawyer
- 8> One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer, 246 Pellets, One More Cocktail, 14 Hours, a Couple of Tap Dances, a Fox Interview and an Apology From the Guy I Shot
- 7> Cheney I'm Amazed
- 6> It's Only Lock 'n' Load (But I Like It)
- 5> Got to Get You Into My Sights
- 4> I Put a Shell in You
- 3> You've Shot a Friend
- 2> Huntin', Shootin', Drinkin'
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Dick Cheney Huntin' Song...
- 1> Dude Looked Like a Birdie
Following Dr. Phil's advice
By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished. And so before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a 2 litter of Mountain Dew, the rest of the Cheesecake, and a box of Godiva Chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel!!!
Thanks Phyllis
Thursday, February 23, 2006
The story of Vaseline
Robert Peary took it to the North Pole. There’s a song in its honor. It makes smiles sparkle. It’s used to coat the feet of vending machines to keep pests out. It controls unruly hair. People put it on chickens to prevent frostbite. It protects baby’s bottoms, and is invaluable to virgins. A tycoon swore eating a spoonful a day helped him live to see 96 years, and odds are that you have some in your home. It’s Vaseline.
The name Vaseline comes from the German word for water and the Greek word for oil—though I never thought German and Greek mixed. The inventor, Robert Chesebrough, was a purveyor of illumination oil and a chemist in England who saw that there was a greater fortune to be made dealing in petroleum than there was in the oils from whales with which he had been dealing. In 1859, at the age of 22, he spent his life savings on a ticket to Titusville, Pennsylvania to meet with the oil barons there. Upon touring the oil fields he noted a rigger scraping a thick, dark goo from an oil pump’s joint, and he asked about. It was explained that the troublesome wax-like gunk tended to come up with the crude, and collect on the rigging; if it wasn’t cleaned off periodically, it would gum up the works. And some people thought that it helped wounds heal faster—that notion lit dollar signs in his eyes, and he made off with a bucket full of the “rod wax”.
Got plans for March 20th?
You don't know what to do on March 20th yet?
Do a Google search and I think you might come up with an idea.
How to hop a freight train
We used to do this as kids. We’d hop a train behind our house and ride it down to the “swing”, a place where we could swing out over a dirty water filled gully on an old fire hose tied around a high branch. At the precise moment we’d let go and fall into the filthy water. (Mom wasn’t real happy when we got home.) It was fun back then. Thrills were cheap.
This link is more about what to take with you and where to go to hop a train…not the actual act of hopping on. I guess it’s for those who want to travel very cheaply. Anyway, it reminded me of my youth…a hundred or so years ago.
The picture at right shows how we did it back then, but we weren’t going that far… just a few blocks.
Clyde and the truck accident
An old farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the......"
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well... as I was sayin', I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was drivin' her down the highway when this huge semi ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurtin' real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
“Real soon a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin', too. So, he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are YOU feeling?'
"Now what the hell would you say?"
How big companies got their names
Here are a few:
- Adidas- from the name of the founder Adolf (Adi) Dassler.
- Cadillac- Cadillac was named after the 18th century French explorer Antoine Laumet de La Mothe , sieur de Cadillac, founder of Detroit, Michigan. Cadillac is a small town in the South of France.
- Coca-Cola- Coca-Cola's name is derived from the coca leaves and kola nuts used as flavoring. Coca-Cola creator John S. Pemberton changed the 'K' of kola to 'C' for the name to look better.
- Compaq- from "comp" for computer, and "pack" to denote a small integral object; or: Compatibility And Quality; or: from the company's first product, the very compact Compaq Portable.
- Daewoo- the company founder Kim Woo Chong called it Daewoo which means "Great Universe" in Korean.
- eBay- Pierre Omidyar, who had created the Auction Web trading website, had formed a web consulting concern called Echo Bay Technology Group.
- Google- the name is an intentional misspelling of the word googol, reflecting the company's mission to organize the immense amount of information available online.
- Mazda Motor- from the company's first president, Jujiro Matsuda . In Japanese, no syllables are ever stressed and some inner syllables are virtually skipped. Thus, Matsuda is pronounced "Matsda". To make the name fly better outside of Japan, the spelling was changed to Mazda.
- McDonald's- from the name of the brothers Dick McDonald and Mac McDonald, who founded the first McDonald 's restaurant in 1940.
- Microsoft- coined by Bill Gates to represent the company that was devoted to MICROcomputer SOFTware. Originally christened Micro-Soft, the '-' was removed later on.
- Nike- named for the Greek goddess of victory.
- Pepsi- Pepsi derives its name from (treatment of) dyspepsia, an intestinal ailment.
- Sharp- Japanese consumer electronics company named from its first product, an ever-sharp pencil.
- Sprint- from its parent company, Southern Pacific Railroad INTernal Communications.
- Verizon- A portmanteau of veritas (Latin for truth) and horizon.
- Yahoo!- a "backronym" for Yet Another Hierarchical Officious Oracle.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Trick questions
Name the most recent year in which New Year's preceded Christmas.
Why are 1968 pennies worth more than 1967 pennies?
What is the eleven letter word that all Yale graduates spell incorrectly?
What can go up a chimney down but not down a chimney up?
A farmer had 15 sheep, and all but 8 died. How many are left?
If there are 6 apples and you take away 4, how many do you have?
There are two coins which total 55 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are the two coins?
A cruise ship is her retirement home
Bea Muller, an 86-year-old retiree, has been a permanent resident on Cunard's Queen
Instead of submitting a monthly or yearly fee, in 2001 Muller was reported to be paying as she went, booking one cruise after another. Thanks to her frequent traveller discounts, her overall costs amounted to about $5,000 a month. (Cruise prices have increased in the past few years, which is something those entertaining similar plans should keep in mind. Also, Muller's accomodations are small and windowless: a
Its cramped quarters aside, Muller is happy with her life aboard a ship. "I've got full-time maid service, great dining rooms, doctors, medical center (where she volunteers), a spa, beauty salon, computer center, entertainment, cultural activities and, best of all, dancing and bridge."
More.
Tortoise adopts hippo
A baby hippopotamus that survived the tsunami waves on the Kenyan coast has formed a strong bond with a giant male century-old tortoise, in an animal facility in the port city of Mombassa, officials said.
The hippopotamus, nicknamed Owen and weighing about 300 kilograms (650 pounds), was swept down Sabaki River into the Indian Ocean, then forced back to shore when tsunami waves struck the Kenyan coast on December 26, before wildlife rangers rescued him. "It is incredible. A-less-than-a-year-old hippo has adopted a male tortoise, about a century old, and the tortoise seems to be very happy with being a 'mother'," ecologist Paula Kahumbu, who is in charge of Lafarge Park.
How to sing the blues
Here are just a few of the rules:
2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in right away: I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.
5. Blues cars are Chevies, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Other acceptable Blues transportation modes include Greyhound buses and southbound trains. Walkin’ plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
7. You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont, Tucson, or North Dakota are just depression. The best places to have the Blues are still Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
9. You can’t have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is just plain wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places to have the Blues: the highway, a jailhouse, an empty bed, the bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places to have the Blues: ashrams, gallery openings, weekends in the Hamptons, golf courses, Tiffany's, and Ivy League institutions.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Answer “Yes” if:
a. your first name is a southern state—like Georgia
b. you’re blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can’t be satisfied.
e. you're older than dirt15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a Blues death. So is substance abuse, the electric chair, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a Blues death to die during liposuction or from tennis elbow.
18. I don't care how tragic your life; if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.
You'd best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or shotgun.
Maybe your big ass woman just done sit on it. I don't care22. Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone: "I didn't wake up this morning"
The complete How to sing the blues
Butt Ugly
A butt-ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins?"
The woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No," he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"
Thanks Phyllis
A man and his bird
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Thanks Phyllis
The assignment
A college class was told they have to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were:
The short story must contain the following three things:
1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. Mystery
Below is the only A+ story in the entire class:
Good God, I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it.
Thanks Mickie
Keep Your Fork, The Best Is Yet To come!
There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.
She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.
Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
"There's one more thing," she said excitedly.
"What's that?" came the pastor's reply.
"This is very important," the young woman continued.
"I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."
The pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say."That surprises you, doesn't it?" the young woman asked.
"Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor.
The young woman explained. "My grandmother once told me this story, and from there on out, I have always done so. I have also, always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement.
'In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming .. like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance! "So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder "What's with the fork?".
Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork, the best is yet to come."
The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye.
He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death.
But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did.She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She Knew that something better was coming.
At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand.Over and over, the pastor heard the question "What's with the fork?"
And over and over he smiled.During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her.
The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right.
So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you ever so gently, that the best is yet to come.
Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.
Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more.
For you never know when it may be their time to "Keep the fork."
Thanks Phyllis
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Doctors remove 11 cm worm from lady's eye
Doctors at a clinic in central Serbia, have removed an 11 centimeter-long intestinal worm from a woman's eye socket. According to preliminary results, the worm taken from the 37-year-old patient's eye belongs to the Ascaris family, a common intestinal parasite in pigs that is also found in humans.
No similar case has ever been recorded in Serbia and probably in Europe, Radomir Stojicevic, a doctor at the Kragujevac clinic, told the Tanjug news agency.
The parasite had probably travelled through the patient's blood from the digestive tract into the eye socket, doctors at the clinic believe.
One hundred worst movies of all time
From IMDb.com
I have to differ with the list. The worst movie I ever saw was Death To Smoochie, with Robin Williams. I can’t believe it didn’t even make the list, much less number 100.
Anyway, here are the worst ten according to the IMDb:
90. The Master of Disguise (2002) 91. Girl in Gold Boots (1969) 92. RoboCop 3 (1993) 93. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992) 94. Zaat (1975) 95. Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983) 96. Universal Soldier: The Return (1999) 97. Alien from L.A. (1988) 98. Ator l'invincibile 2 (1984) 99. Nuevos extraterrestres, Los (1983) 100. The Barbaric Beast of Boggy Creek, Part II (1985)
Monday, February 20, 2006
Little Nancy
Little Nancy was in the garden filling a hole when the neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you up to Nancy?"
"My goldfish died", replied little Nancy tearfully without looking up, "...and I've just buried him."
The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your f*#king cat!"
Thanks Phyllis
What a steal
According to a Japanese newspaper, eight people are out more than $1.25 million. They were duped into buying supposedly rare U.S. million-dollar bills from the 1920's. But the ‘million notes’ are fakes. The news reports say three of the bilked investors have had to file for bankruptcy. The man who promised them huge returns has disappeared with their real money.
The largest denomination bill ever produced by the U.S. treasury was a 100-thousand-dollar note in the mid 1930's.
(What a real Thousand dollar bill looks like.)
Time to remove your mucus
The practice of nasal irrigation, known as Neti, has been used by practitioners of Yoga and Ayurveda in India for hundreds, if not thousands of years. Neti is one of the six purification techniques undertaken prior to the practice of yoga to help prepare the body for the yoga practice. Some yogic teachers consider it valuable in cleansing the energy channels and balancing the right and left hemispheres to create radiant, energetic health and wellness, which is the foundation upon which true yogic practice can come to fruition.
Lukewarm water is used to gently open up the nasal passages.
Get a Neti Pot for cleaning your mucus here.
FYI: From MedicineNet.com: Definition of Mucous
Mucous: Pertaining to mucus, a thick fluid produced by the lining of some tissues of the body.
"Mucus" without an "o" is the Latin noun for "a slimy semifluid discharge from the nose." "Mucous" with an "o" is the corresponding adjective.
World Naked Bike Ride
On 12 March and 10 June 2006, cities across the world will experience the naked joy of the world's largest naked protest against oil dependency and car culture in the history of humanity. It is time to stop indecent exposure to automobile emissions and to celebrate the power and individuality of our bodies!
Naked Bicycle People Power.
Don’t forget the sunscreen!
Losers
A blog about last place finishers at the Olympics in Torino Italy.
DFL – Celebrating last-place finishes at the Olympics.
Because they're there, and you're not.
FYI: DFL stands for Dead F*#king Last
Political dilemma
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?
Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a .40 caliber Glock, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or depressed Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....
(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
Thanks Phyllis
Sunday, February 19, 2006
A cute Monopoly type real estate game
Buy small homes at a low price and sell them at a higher price. Keep moving up to bigger houses until you can afford the mansion. Timing is everything.
A new movie trailer
Worth watching. Plus…. it’s stars a shitload of famous actors.
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