Supposedly this silver Audi A8 isn’t just silver in color…it’s MADE of silver.
Thanks Phyllis
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
This is what marriage is really all about
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
"THE TEETH."
Thanks Joe P
Eyeball jewelry
The procedure involves inserting a 3.5 mm (0.13 inch) wide piece of specially developed jewelry, like a glittering half-moon or heart into the eyes mucous membrane under local anaesthetic at a cost of 500 to 1,000 euros ($1,232).
“In my view it is a little more subtle than (body) piercing. It is a bit of a fun thing and a very personal thing for people”, said Gerrit Melles, director of the Netherlands Institute for Innovative Ocular Surgery (www.NIIOC.nl).
The piece of jewelry is inserted in the conjunctiva (the mucous membrane lining the inner surface of the eyelids and front of the eyeball) in sterile conditions using an operating microscope in a procedure taking about 15 minutes.
More.
Something to offend everyone
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Thanks Danny Mac
More VP humor
Visual Hunting Aid
Identification chart for Vice-Presidential hunting trips
The late night comedians on the subject.
Jay Leno:
- Although it is beautiful here in California the weather back east has been atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C. Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear.
- That’s the big story over the weekend. On a quail hunting trip in Texas, Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78 year old lawyer. In fact when people found out he shot a lawyer his popularity is now at 92%!
- I guess the guy is going to be ok. When the ambulance got there, out of force of habit they put Cheney on the stretcher. No, the other guy!
- But you know, I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, "Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?!”
- Something I just found out today about the incident. Do you know that Dick Cheney tortured the guy for a half hour before he shot him?
- Cheney’s defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the guy. Which means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the white house since Bill Clinton.
- In fact, do you know what Cheney said to his aides after he shot the guy? "Save his heart! Grab his heart!”
David Letterman:
- We located the weapons of mass destruction – Dick Cheney!
- Over the weekend while bird hunting, shooting quails, there was a little horseplay and the Vice President Dick Cheney shot his buddy. Before the trip Donald Rumsfeld denied the request for body armor.
- I don’t see what the fuss is all about. What’s more American than shooting your hunting buddy in the ass?
- We can’t get bin Laden but we can get a 78 year old attorney.
- The man that was shot is a Republican lawyer and a big donor to the party. The bullet was actually deflected by a big wad of cash.
Jon Stewart:
- Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird.
- Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. ... But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. ... moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted -- it's just not worth it.
- After hearing that Mr. Whittiington was “peppered” by the shotgun blast, "Peppered. There you have it. Harry Whittington, seasoned to within an inch of his life.”
Rob Corddry (Daily Show correspondent):
- The Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. Now, according to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78- year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Wittington's face.
Jimmy Kimmel:
- You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and shoots an old man in the face, six more weeks of winter.
- But all kidding aside, and in fairness to Dick Cheney, every five years he has to shed innocent blood or he violates his deal with the devil.
- So in summary, the Vice President of the United States shot a 78-year-old man in the face. Congratulations Mister Vice President, you are now a Crip.
- It's part of the president's new Social Security plan. Once you hit 78, kablamo.
How much is your house worth?
Supposedly you can go to Zillow.com and it will tell you how much you could sell your house for if you wanted to. It had insufficient data to evaluate my house, but it did have a pretty cool satellite picture of it…. better than any I’d seen before. You can even see my stairway down to the the deck on the bluff overlooking the Mississippi River. (It looks like a gentle slope, but it’s like a hundred foot cliff.)
I live in a very small town about 30 minutes south of St. Louis, so I’m not surprised that it didn’t have enough info to appraise my house. It did have quite a bit of info about the house including the assessed valuation.
Happy Valentine's Day
Did you know….
- 192 million Valentine’s Day cards are exchanged annually, making Valentine’s Day the second-most popular greeting-card-giving occasion.
- Nearly 60 percent of all Valentine’s Day cards are purchased in the six days prior to the observance, making Valentine’s Day a procrastinator’s delight.
- There are 120 single men (i.e., never married, widowed or divorced) who are in their 20s for every 100 single women of the same ages.
- 2.2 million marriages take place in the United States annually. That breaks down to more than 6,000 a day.
- There were 22,022 florists nationwide in 2003. These businesses employed 113,270 people.
The per capita consumption of candy by Americans in 2004 was 4.7 pounds.
Monday, February 13, 2006
This will warm your heart....
…especially if you have lost faith in human kindness. Be sure to read to the very end.
This letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!
Dear Faculty and Students,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio. Before I received this one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Agnes"
How to get your cat to clean the toilet
From creamofthecrock:
- Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
- Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
- In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
- The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
- Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
- Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
- Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
- The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
- Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Afternoon delight
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"
"Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle, too."
The pilot's voice
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine.
Scam Alert
I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking lots. Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking, one starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse.
While you’re distracted, the other one lets herself in the backseat and then they both start begging you for a ride home. Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants.
This is when they steal your wallet. ! I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but I couldn’t find them on Saturday or Sunday.
A Joke
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a big dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he awasa ina charge ofa supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I nocouldafinda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you; I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad; boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."
The foreman is real angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
"SUPPLIES!!
A letter we'd all like to write
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see
that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid
$600.00 for a toilet seat.
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value
$1,029), bringing my total remitted to $3,429.00. Please apply the
overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on
my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5"
Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays
$22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your
convenience.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward
to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
Thanks Phyllis
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