Sunday, December 30, 2007

Random thoughts

  • There are two sides to every divorce . . . Yours and Shithead's.

  • The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

  • Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: 'Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!'

  • I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

  • I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

  • Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

  • I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

  • The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

  • If life deals you lemons, make lemonade . . if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.

  • I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

  • Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

  • I am a nobody.. Nobody is perfect ... and therefore I am perfect.

  • Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

  • That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have 'Schiffer Brains.'

  • No one ever says 'It's only a game!!' when their team is winning.

  • Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

  • How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

  • Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

  • Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

  • Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Thanks Gene

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