Golf truisms

Only a true golfer will understand these…

• Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.


• Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.


• When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.


•  If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: You can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.


•  The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.


•  No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.


• The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.


• If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.


• Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.


• A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.


• It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt .. for a 10.


• Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.


• Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.


• It's not a gimme if you're still away.


• The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree


• There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.


• You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.


• If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. 


• Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three. 


• When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start


• watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.


• Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. 


• If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard. 


• To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing


• 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph. 


• There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands:


•  how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.


• Hazards attract; fairways repel.


• You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.


• A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.


• If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint. 


• It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.


• Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.


• A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.


• Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.


• A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.


• That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.


• If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.


• Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen.  And you need to buy fresh ones each week.


• A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.


• It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps. 


• If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably hot an eight (or worse).


• You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine. 


• It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery.

Thanks Gene