OK kids….we’ve finnaly made the move official. We’re not completely set up. As a matter of fact, I just got it up tonight (Monday). I still haven’t been able to import all the old posts, but I’m still working on that.
But, I’ve inserted the B&P logo, added a few links and made a few posts, and it seems to be working. So come on over… make yourself comfortable. Bookmark the new url and be patient as I learn all about WordPress.
Here we go……
I’ll try to keep this site up as long as I can.
Here are a few:
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran ov er to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Thanks Gene
Scrabble is also known as Alfapet, Funworder, Skip-A-Cross, Spelofun and Palabras Cruzadas ("Crossed Words").
A Scrabble board is 15 spaces high and 15 spaces wide, for a total of 225 squares.
The game is sold in 121 countries in 29 different languages.
One hundred million sets have been sold worldwide.
Celebrities known for being Scrabble fans includ Sting, Keanu Reeves, Moby, John Travolta and Carol Burnett.
Scrabble sets are found in one out of every three American homes.
Scrabble was invented in 1938 by architect Alfred Mosher Butts. Butts created the game as a variation of another word game he invented, Lexiko.
Alfred Butts decided on the frequency and distribution of letters in Scrabble by analyzing the front page of the New York Times. He used a penknife to cut his first set of wooden Scrabble tiles.
The original name of Scrabble was "Criss-Crosswords."
There is just one Q in a Scrabble game.
The highest known score for a single word in competition Scrabble is 392. In 1982, Dr. Saladin Khoshnaw achieved this score for the word "caziques," which means "Indian chief."
Scrabble is a real word. It means "to scratch frantically."
Scrabble was a daytime game show (on NBC), hosted by Chuck Woolery, from July 1984 to March 1990. A second run of the show aired from January to June, 1993.
The game has 100 tiles.
In America and Canada, when a player who empties their rack on one play, it's called a "bingo." Elsewhere, it's called a "bonus." The player gets 50 additional points.
The highest possible score a player can get in Scrabble, on a first turn, is for the word MUZJIKS (128 points).
The highest possible score, theoretically, for a single play under American tournament Scrabble rules is 1,778 points for joining eight already-played tiles to form the word OXYPHENBUTAZONE across three triple-word-score squares, while simultaneously extending seven specific already-played words to form new words.
What kind of wood is used to make Scrabble letters? Vermont Maple.
The first word played in the Scrabble rules demonstration game is "horn."
The highest score obtainable by playing a seven-letter word is QUARTZY (164 points) across a triple-word-score square with the Z on a double-letter-score square.
ETAERIO is the seven-letter word most likely to appear on a Scrabble rack.
There are 10 two-letter words spelled with vowels only: AA, AE, AI, AY, OE, OI, OY, YA, YE, YO.
Scrabble is a fixture in popular culture. It has been featured films and television programs including "Rosemary's Baby," 'The Rosie O'Donnell Show," "Seinfeld," "The Simpsons" and "Will & Grace," among many others.
The original Scrabble didn't include a board. It was played with just the tiles.
If all the Scrabble tiles ever produced were placed in a row, they would stretch for more than 50,000 miles.
There is a Braille version of Scrabble.
A local ordinance in Atwoodville, Connecticut, prohibits people from playing Scrabble while waiting for a politician to speak.
Thanks Max
Bits & Pieces Saga Continues…
Just an update of the Bits & Pieces fiasco that continues. After a couple of calls and emails it was “suggested” that I remove WordPress from the new site – which I did, I cleared out everything. Now I have put in a request to the fine tech people at GoDaddy.com to unsuspend the new hosting account so I can start all over fresh and not use the offending plugin that reaked havoc on their server. The guy I talked to wasn’t sure they’d allow me to reinstall WordPress but that I should ask first if that’s OK. So I politely did and now am awaiting a responce that I should receive “within 24 hours”. I noted in my email to them that I hadn’t received a reply from the other email I sent explaing my problem 30 hours ago.
So this issue will be settled one way or another in the next day or so. If not to my satisfaction than I will change hosts and use every opportunity to slam GoDaddy that I can. So, I promise that things will get back to “normal” very soon.
As you might have noticed I’m posting a few images. I assume this is still against the rules at GoDaddy, but I’ve tried to do it the right way, but they’re not making it easy. So don’t be surprised if they all disappear. Hell they might even delete me… they already have what they need from me… my credit card number.
Stay tuned… and thanks for your patience.
How likely are you to eat your friends in a life and death situation?
Here are my results after taking a short test:
41%Well, the moving truck ran off the road. After finally finding a way to convert the old posts, I ran into a brick wall on the move. With more than half of the posts converted to the new site, it just stopped working. Apparently, the conversion method I was using (a plugin for WordPress) was really screwing up the fine folks at the hosting service. WordPress’s built-in import feature just didn’t work for me. I don’t know if it’s becuase of the size of the site or what.
So now my account is “suspended” cause I’ve been a bad boy, screwing up their servers. I put a call in to tech support (that’s how I learned the above), and now we’re exchanging emails trying to get the account unsuspended. I don’t have any more time to work on this today…… but will be back on it first thing tomorrow.
Stay tuned…..
OK kids… pack your bags…. we’re moving. I hope to announce where tomorrow or Sunday at the latest. I think the conversion to a new site just might work. As you may have noticed, the graphics are back here.. (or coming back as I type this). I’m in the process of copying old posts as we speak (actually as I type). I’ll have to shut down the blogger site (this one) before long or I’might lose my graphics again. So be sure to check back for the updated site info.
Special thanks To Dave at Dead Dog for some guidance in the conversion process. Also thanks to all the other people who offered help and encouraging words.
Stay tuned….
A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle.
And so it continued...
Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.
"Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy," he said, pointing to the urine bottle.
"Oh, really?" the patient replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. "In that case, we’d better run it through again..."
There’s a lot of money to be made… or spent, depending on which side of the casket you on or in…, in the funeral industry.
Tentative lineup:
A woman went to her doctor.
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter
leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'
The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
That's 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.
Thanks Sandra R
This week the Zoological Society of London published a list of the world's weirdest animals, including a purple frog that lives 12ft underground.
A RABBIT loves licorice - but it is very bad for them because they cannot digest sugars.
DALMATIONS are the only breed of dog that gets gout (because they are the only mammals, other than humans, which produce uric acid).
SLUGS have four noses - well actually a pair of gills for breathing and a pair of rhinopores (chemosensory organs) used for smelling.
HONEYBEES have hairs on their eyes to help them collect pollen.
The left leg of a CHICKEN is tendered than the right one, which it uses most, therefore increasing muscle development.
The sperm of a MOUSE is longer than the sperm of an elephant.
MICE are highly promiscuous and need particularly large testes to keep up with demand.
More human deaths have been attributed to FLEAS than all the wars ever fought.
As carriers of the bubonic plague, fleas were responsible for killing one third of the population of Europe in the 14th century.
A CAT uses its whiskers to determine if a space is too small to squeeze through.
GOLDFISH lose their color if kept in dim light. Much like humans getting a tan, they need sunlight to keep their pigment.
ALBATROSSES have a wing span of up to 14ft and need to land only once every couple of years to breed. They can travel hundreds of thousands of miles each flight.
Certain Chinese and American ALLIGATORS can survive the winter by freezing their heads in ice, leaving their nose out to breath for months on end.
DOLPHINS sleep with one half of the brain at a time, and one eye closed.
When two DOGS approach each other, the dog which wags its tail very slowly - showing anger - is in charge.
Some LIONS can mate more than 50 times a day.
If you lift a KANGAROO'S tail off the ground it can't hop - they use their tails for balance.
For every person there are roughly 200 million INSECTS.
A CROCODILE cannot stick its tongue out, because it is attached to the bottom of its mouth. This is why they appear to gulp their food down.
ELEPHANTS are the only mammals that can't jump.
CAMELS have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.
Many HAMSTERS blink only one eye at a time.
A FLAMINGO can eat only when its head is upside down. Its tongue pumps water through the sieve-like ridges that line its beak in order to trap microscopic algae.
A DOLPHIN'S hearing is so acute that it can pick up an underwater sound from 15 miles away.
BUTTERFLIES taste with their hind feet.
A SNAIL can sleep for three years if conditions are adverse (such as during a drought).
BEES have five eyes - three small ones on top of their head and two larger ones in front.
POLAR BEARS are the only mammal with hair on the soles of their feet. It helps them to get a good grip on icy surfaces, and also acts as a heat insulator.
Most ELEPHANTS weigh less than the tongue of a blue whale.
The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their head are the RABBIT and the PARROT.
PENGUINS can jump as high as 6ft in the air.
The last animal in the dictionary is the ZYZZYVA, a tropical weevil.
ELEPHANTS have been found swimming miles from shore in the Indian Ocean.
The leg bones of a BAT are so thin that they cannot walk.
GREAT WHITE SHARKS can go as long as three months without eating.
GOAT'S eyes have rectangular pupils, which enable them to watch over their broad, flat grazing area for predators.
KIWI BIRDS are blind and hunt by smell.
GIRAFFES have no vocal cords and communicate by vibrating the air around their necks.
A female OYSTER may produce 100 million young over her lifetime.
MOSQUITOES are attracted to the color blue twice as much as to any other color.
No two ZEBRAS have the same markings.
The longest recorded flight of a CHICKEN is 13 seconds.
A BEE must visit 4,000 flowers to make one tablespoon of honey.
By swallowing water, the PUFFER FISH becomes too big for other fish to swallow.
A full-grown BEAR can run as fast as a horse.
Female FLEAS drink 15 times their weight in blood every day.
When a GIRAFFE'S baby is born, it falls from a height of 6ft, usually without being hurt.
A DRAGONFLY can spot an insect moving 33ft away.
CAMEL milk does not curdle, because it has adapted to the desert heat.
POLAR BEARS can swim 60 miles without pausing for a rest.
Thanks Max
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Thanks Gary J
OK, here’s the scoop. I’ve set up a new website. I now need to customize it. I have tested it with a couple of posts and it seems to work, but it needs some fine tuning (logo, links, etc.)…. OK, quite a bit of fine tuning. I’m using WordPress and I had a hard time just getting it set up, but that seems to be done now. I know next to nothing about WordPress, so that’s making it a slow process. I actually had the site set up last night, but it took me a couple hours just to figure out how to get to the Dashboard and write a post. (Documentation is good once you already know how to do something.) Anyway, I’m past that now and just need to learn how to use the website software.
I’m not sure how long that fine-tuning will take. I’m working on a project for an organization I belong to that has to be done by Saturday and another for my business that is eating up my time too.
I have downloaded all the picturess from the old site to a hard drive here at Bits & Pieces headquarters, but I’m not sure that if I import the Blogger data (posts) that the pics will “line up” with the post automatically. I don’t think I can repost them manually. (There are 8,260 pics there.) We may just be starting from scratch. I’ll just have to see about that when I have the time.
I’ll try to at least make a couple posts a day here as I muddle through this. I appreciate your patience and really appreciate all the kind words you’ve said about Bits & Pieces.
Stay tuned……
Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. (Friend or Money !)
Death is hereditary.
There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Children are afraid of clowns because of the excessive makeup. However, kids still seem to like watching "American Idol" with Ryan Seacrest.
Hillary Clinton says she would prefer to compete on "Dancing With the Stars" to any other reality show. Right now she is more concerned with making Barack Obama "The Biggest Loser".
Spider-Man's marriage has fallen apart after more than 20 years in the latest Marvel Comic. Apparently he ignored his wife and spent too much time on the web.
Scientists in Hungary say they have developed a "dog translator" that can decode dogs' barks and growls. So far they have come up with several translations, including "I'm going to smell that other dog's butt", "I need to get a drink. Where's the toilet?" and "I've only slept 12 hours today. Time for a nap."
A Canadian woman underwent surgery to stop her from having seizures every time she listened to her favorite music. In the 70s we called that "dancing".
Lindsay Lohan will have to work at a morgue as part of her sentence for DUI. She will be taking care of several stiffs at a time. Or as she likes to call it, "Saturday night".
A Kentucky woman has been arrested for trying to kill her husband by putting rat poison on a McDonald's McChicken sandwich. Apparently the sandwich by itself was just a little too slow.
Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff wants tougher ID rules for people entering the U.S. from Canada. Along the Mexico border, guards have been instructed to yell "Hey you!" a little louder.
Former World Chess Champion Bobby Fischer died at age 64. He became interested in chess at a young age, and later exhibited signs of mental illness. The first symptom was an interest in chess at an early age.
Former Yankee Manager Joe Torre says nothing made him suspicious about either Andy Pettitte or Roger Clemens concerning performance enhancing drugs. Could it be on account of their combined 21-15 won-loss record along with ERAs of more than 4.00? That doesn't scream steroid use. That sounds more like too many hamburgers.
More Jokes By Jim
The internet has changed all of our lives, hopefully in a more positive direction. You can use these sites just for entertainment or you can use them to change your life. Many of them you visit all the time but it’s time to look at them another way and harness their power.
*These are in no particular order.
1 - Facebook - Facebook allows you to reconnect with old and new friends. In the case of Lori Haas, facebook helped Lori reunite with her son that she gave up for adoption when she was just 17. (Full Story)
2 - Myspace - This is the most popular social network on the web, even though it has the most spam. Some absolutely hate myspace, but others have used it to launch their careers. Many singers and musicians have achieved “overnight” success using the network. Like facebook you can connect with friends but myspace makes it easier for networking with people you don’t know and create new business contacts.
3 - Digg - many will agree with this choice, while others will strongly disagree. But Digg can open you up to a whole new realm of news. You can visit the homepage once a day and instantly become up to date on what’s going on in the world. You can use Digg to your advantage, find the latest trends in business or find articles on improving your life.
4 - Kiva - Kiva is a lending site that helps entrepreneurs in developing countries finance their ventures. It doesn’t take much to help someone out. By changing others you can change yourself.
5 - Lifehack.org - Lifehack can help you get things done. This blog has in depth articles on all things that do with productivity.
6 - YouTube - If you want to work in the entertainment industry, YouTube is a great way to get your feet wet and at a very low cost. You have an audience of millions of people at your disposal.
7 - Google - This is an obvious one. I really don’t know how we lived without Google in the early days of the internet.
8 - Twitter - Twitter may someday save lives by people quickly alerting others of dangerous situations to avoid. During the California fires, people used Twitter to let friends know that they were safe. You can also use Twitter as a way to help with your business networking by knowing where your business contacts are at.
9 - eBay - eBay can save you a lot of money but can also bring you immense opportunities. You can easily create an online business that reaches millions of buyers. Many people have very successful million dollar enterprises using ebay.
10 - Ancestry.com - This website can help you piece together your family history. By understanding the past your can change the future.
11 - Zen Habits - This blog is similar to Lifehack.org by offering simple productivity to get the most of your life.
12 - Craigslist - You can find almost anything on Craigslist. It’s a simple site but can simply change your life.
13 - Post Secret - The Post Secret project shows you that we’re all very much the same. It can also show you that others may have worse problems than the ones your facing.
14 - LinkedIn - You can use LinkedIn to network with professionals from all areas of business including Fortune 500 companies.
15 - TED.com - This website is full of various videos from TED conferences and has biographies on some of the greatest thinkers of present time. Presentations from successful people such as Tony Robbins, Richard Branson, Jeff Bezos, Bono, Seth Godin, and Jane Goodall. Most videos are a few minutes long but can empower you for years to come.
16 - Wikipedia - Not everything on Wikipedia is accurate but there is so much information on almost every topic possible. Don’t know about something, just look it up on Wikipedia and within a few minutes you can be informed.
17 - The Fastlane to Millions - This is a relatively new and small forum for those who are or aspire to be entrepreneurs and millionaires. The members are very positive and want to help each other get the most out of life.
18 - Second Life - This virtual world may seem like a virtual waste of time but some people such as Anshe Chung have found opportunities limitless on Second Life. Anshe has become a millionaire by buying and selling virtual real estate.
19 - Quoteland - You can visit Quoteland and read hundreds of quotes that will give you a fresh perspective and change your life in minutes. If you have an open mind.
20 - 43 Things - 43 Things can be a great way to achieve your goals. You can post your dreams and aspirations for all to see. Having that type of pressure can be very positive for you, helping you continue till you reach your goals.
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'
FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and
what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
Thanks Joe P
As most of you know by now the pictures are no longer viewable. I’m working on creating a new site.
Stay tuned.
Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a Nursing home.
About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandmas Yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "There isn't no way you can guess it, you old Fools."
One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old Ladies happily yelled in unison-- "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"
Thanks Gene
A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.
"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"Well, I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
Thanks Joe P
I’m afraid there might be a disruption with your being able to access Bit & Pieces. The place where I store all the photos I post has notified me that I can’t have a website on Blogger and host pictures on their host (GoDaddy.com). They say it’s against the “legal agreement”. They say the entire website must be on their server or they’ll shut me down by 1 AM Monday (January 21st) They have “disabled logging for the site” (whatever that means) because it was “causing an excessive load to the server and the statistics processing server”.
I won’t have time to work on this right away, so B&P might cease to exist for a while. I guess the blog itself will still be there, but the graphics will disappear. I have a lot of real-life stuff going on this week, so my posting was going to be a little lighter anyway. This didn’t help my frazzled existence.
The solution is to host the entire website there or go somewhere else for picture hosting. I’m not as tech savy as some may think so I’m really not sure just how to go about changing all that.
I wonder how all the other great bloggers do it…….
Stay tuned.
Jonco
Update: Well, they suspended the account as threatened. None of the graphics stored there are visible now. They gave me 24 hours to remove them. As of now they’ll let me remove them by FTP until the 24th. After that they’ll delete them. I don’t know if I want to spend the time or effort to remove them and post them somewhere else, or just start over somewhere else. Or I could host a new site with them and stop using Blogger. Decisions, decisions. I just wish I had more time to make an informed decision.
I have a busy week ahead this week. Things lighten up a little for me next week, so I’m not sure what I’ll do in the mean time. Thanks for all the comments to this post. Keep ‘em coming. I’m open for ideas.
Jonco
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision, or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man, of course, has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.
Thanks Brian C
via (Looks like whoever created this needs a dictionary. When Googling “procede’ I find a hair treatment product.)
I know what you're thinking: "What if I attached a faucet to a watermelon and filled it with spiked watermelon juice so party guests could serve themselves right from the melon?"
What you'll need:
• 10-pound seedless watermelon
• Sharp knife
• Big spoon
• Big bowl
• Drill with a 1/2-inch drill bit
• 3/4-inch ball-valve faucet with a handle that's easy to turn with one hand
• PVC-to-faucet adapter that will screw into the back of the faucet
• Rubber O-ring that fits the back of the faucet
• Blender
• Sieve
• Pitcher
• 1 1/2 cups rum
• 4 limes
• About 90 minutes of your time
For many youngsters, lessons have a tendency to feel long, interminably boring and difficult to sit still through.
Not, however, if you're a cheetah cub in Africa undergoing a masterclass in hunting from your very impressive mother.
This extraordinary series of photographs, taken in the Masai Mara game reserve in Kenya by top environmental photographer Andy Rouse, show a female cheetah demonstrating to her young the first rules of survival in the wild - how to hunt and kill.
100 years ago women went doctors to experience the big “O”
Mention vibrators, and most people think of women's sexual pleasure. But that was the furthest thing from the minds of the male doctors who invented them more than a century ago. They were more interested in a labor-saving device to spare their own hands the fatigue caused by treating "female hysteria." This condition involved a number of vague, chronic complaints in adult women, including: anxiety, sleeplessness, irritability, nervousness, erotic fantasies, and moisture inside the vagina. Female hysteria was actually women's sexual frustration. The history of vibrators is a strange tale that provides insights into both the history of sex toys, and cultural notions about women's sexuality.
Read more of this interesting article
The Canon Snap is a tiny digital camera that can be worn on the finger, enabling users to snap pictures by pushing a conveniently placed button up top.
Just in case you were wondering….
Despite the huge size of penises in elephants and odd hoofed mammals (like rhinos and horses), the biggest penis belongs to the biggest animal: the blue whale. The largest measured penis reached 2,4 m (8 feet).
Read more about big penises, but remember there will be a train on your compute of what you looked at.
If you have a debit card or an ATM card you might ewant to change your PIN number. I don’t know how they did it, but someone found everyones PIN number and listed it here. Mine is there… and so is yours.
Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.
Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)
Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $50,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.
Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.
Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.
Rule #6. It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like a baby boomer.
Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.
Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.
Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.
Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.
You're welcome.
Planning a trip using Google Maps just got a little easier and useful. Google teamed up with The Weather Channel to create interactive layers that overlay weather data and radar information on top of Google Maps.
To use the feature click on the Google Maps' My Maps tab and select The Weather Channel feature to begin exploring.
The new service allows you to see current weather conditions and forecasts at a glance from across the globe as you view Google Maps. Everything from severe weather alerts, cloud coverage, and more can also be added to your view.
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."
An oldie but a goodie….
The Doctor said "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? "
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure"
The salesman said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 30 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 30. A size 30 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS
Thanks Gene
How To Give A Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right fore-finger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill In right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the Emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Thanks Gene
Funky Joe Unfunky Pat is supposedly a reader of Bits & Pieces. His friend George sent this in because Funky Joe Unfunky Pat was too lazy to do it. I’m glad he did. This video had me laughing out loud. (See comments to understand this funkyness.)
I’ll have to check into my video editing software and see if it will let me do this. It’s quite inspiring.
Here’s another. I think it’s by some of the same fellows.
Thanks George T
This is bizarre - after you find the guy - it's so obvious. Once you find him - it's embarrassing, and you think, Why didn't I see him immediately?
Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, the right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this
type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!
And, yes, the man is really there!!!
Thanks Karyn
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent 12 Calories
Without her consent 2,187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands 8 Calories
With one hand 12 Calories
With your teeth 485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection 6 Calories
Without an erection 3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary 12 Calories
69 lying down 78 Calories
69 standing up 812 Calories
Wheelbarrow 216 Calories
Doggy Style 326 Calories
Italian chandelier 2,912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real 112 Calories
Fake 1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging 18 Calories
Getting up immediately 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately 816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years 36 Calories
30-39 years 80 Calories
40-49 years 124 Calories
50-59 years 1972 Calories
60-69 years 7,916 Calories
70 and over Results are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly 32 Calories
In a hurry 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door 5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door 13,521 Calories
Results may vary!
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this, 69 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!!!
Thanks Ronnie
This looks interesting for $399:
Get the power of a full-sized laptop in the ultra-compact ASUS Eee PC 4G, which offers a full QWERTY keyboard, 7-inch screen, and preinstalled Linux operating system. (This laptop is also compatible with the Microsoft Windows XP operating system.) You'll be able to stay connected to email and the Internet easily thanks to the Wi-Fi LAN (802.11b/g), and communicate via video chat and VoIP with the Webcam integrated into the display's bezel. Because it uses flash memory instead of a hard drive (with 4 GB of storage), the Eee PC is optimal for weathering rough handling and sharing space in overstuffed bags.
Compact and highly portable at just 32 ounces, the Eee PC 4G has a 7-inch wide color TFT LCD with an 800 x 480-pixel resolution (WXGA). Under the hood is a 900 MHz Intel Mobile CPU with integrated Intel graphics processor, 512 MB of RAM (not expandable), and 4 GB of solid-state flash memory. With the dependable solid-state disk, you get unparalleled shock-protection and reliability. In addition to its wireless LAN, it also offers wired Fast Ethernet connectivity and a 56K modem. The Eee PC includes software for Web browsing (Firefox), email, OpenOffice 2.0 for creating and editing word processing documents and spreadsheets, and a suite of other productivity software to help keep you on track.
You get three USB 2.0 ports, a VGA output for connecting to external monitors, headphone and microphone jacks, and a Secure Digital (SD) memory card slot. The Eee PC measures 8.9 x 6.5 x 1.4 inches, and it weighs 32 ounces. The 4-cell, 5200 mAh battery provides up to 3.5 hours of battery life (depending on usage). It's backed by a 1 year warranty for parts and labor.
Update: John M sends along this remix of thic charming little beast girl that he made a while back.
![[remix] Cindy Lou Who](http://www.jonco48.com/blog/[remix]_20Cindy_20Lou_20Who.jpg)
At a dirt track race in Bakersfield, California, one car fish-tails into another and loses its right rear tire -- but only for a few seconds, before the tire rolls right back onto the rim!
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
Let's face it, English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly,
Boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends,
But not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
And get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught,
Why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes, I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
Where did this strange language come from and why do we speak it?
'Cause we don't know another, I guess...
